Sabi nila what we gain we can lose, pero madaming tao ang hindi naniniwala dito. Kaya nga some of the things we have, we take for granted, because we don't acknowledge the idea of losing the things that we have. Ako nga pala si Janica Mendez, and I never thought that I would lose my boyfriend.
Matagal din ang pinag-samahan namin ni Kel (short for Michael Lloyd Bustre). Umabot kami ng 2 years, and hindi pa kasama dun yung tagal ng pagiging magkaibigan namin na nagsimula nung 2nd year high school pa lang kami. Kaya siguro naging confident ako na hindi kami magkakalokohan, kaya akala ko kami na talaga ang para sa isa't-isa, pero sabi nga nila diba "nakakamatay ang akala". Hindi ko alam kung bakit kami biglang nagkalabuan ay mali! Nagkalokohan pala, pero actually siya ang nanloko, at hindi lang dahil bitter ako kaya ko nasabing siya ang nanloko. Minsan nga pag nakakausap ko ang mga kaibigan ko tungkol sa amin ni Kel tinatanong nila: "minahal mo ba siya?", "Aba! Oo naman noh. Hindi ko naman siya sasagutin at hindi naman siguro kami aabot ng 2 taon kung hindi ko siya minahal", yan ang lagi kong sagot. Siguro napaka-simple lang ng sagot ko, pero hindi nila alam na ang sakit sakit para sa akin na tanungin nila ako kung minahal ko siya, kasi dapat siya ang tinatanong nila.
Hindi ko alam kung papaano ko sisimulang ikwento sa inyo ang istorya namin ng ex ko, pero maganda siguro kung simulan ko ang pagke-kwento nung mga huling sandaling nararamdaman ko pang mahal niya ako.
November 2012 (College: 2nd Year - 2nd Semester)
"Oi mga bebe uuwi na ba kayo?" tanong ni Rolland (friend kong beki). "Uuwi na ako hinahanap na kasi ako ni mommy eh. Mag-sha-shopping daw kami.", sagot ni Paula (friend ko since 1st year 1st sem). "Bakla, kami ni Janica, hindi pa kami uuwi. Hihintayin daw niya si Kel, kaya sasamahan ko siya maghintay.", sagot naman ni Mending (friend kong bakla na mataba pa). "O sige sasama muna ako sa inyo. What time ba labas ni Kel today?", tanong ni Rolland. "7:30 beks. Monthsary kasi namin ngayon kaya magdidinner kami.", sagot ko naman. "Ah kaya pala. Happy monthsary sa inyo. Nakaka-inggit talaga kayo ni Kel. Ang swerte mo talaga sa BF mo, kami ni mending ito nganga." pagpapatawa ni rolland.
Sinamahan ako nila Rolland at Mending hanggang 7:00 pm kinailangan na din nilang umuwi dahil mag-aaral pa sila para sa quiz namin kinabukasan. Maaga pinalabas sila Kel kaya saktong 7:30 ay magkasama na kami noon. Napaka-simple pero romantic ng gabing yun nilibre ako ni Kel sa isang carenderia malapit sa school. Hindi man mamahalin na restaurant yung kinainan namin, pero I felt that he loves me. Sabay na kaming umuwi ng gabing yun, nag-fx kami nun, nasakto namang biyernes kaya heavy traffic sa Quiapo. Inantok na ako sa byahe, na feeling ko napansin ni Kel kaya pinahiram niya sa akin ang jacket niya at inoffer niyang i-rest ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. Hinatid na ako ni Kel sa bahay dahil inabot na kami ng 11:00 pm sa daan. Nang umabot kami sa gate ng bahay biglang tumibok ng mabilis ang puso ko, and I knew then that I loved him with all my heart. Kel then held my hands, then he hugged me tight, then he kissed me, and whispered the words: "I love you, Janica. I want to grow old with you." Napawi ang antok ko dahil sa boses niya, I wanted him to stay that night but he had to go home dahil walang kasama ang mama niya.
That night was a very memorable night for me, a night that made my heart beat for Kel, but I never thought that that was going to be the last monthsary night that Kel would be mine....
Lumipas lang ang ilang linggo after ng gabing yun, I felt that Kel became colder and colder towards me. I never knew what was going on so I asked Mayson (kabarkada ni Kel) if Kel had any problem. Ang sabi lang sa akin ni Mayson ay: "hindi ko alam kung mahal ka pa niya." Sa mga sandaling yun bumigat ang pakiramdam ko, I was really hurt. Ang masakit pa dun ay nalaman ko pa sa iba. Pero nagpaka-tanga ako I wanted to save yung natitira sa pagmamahalan namin ni Kel. I couldn't imagine losing him so suddenly. I talked with Kel that night and I discovered that he was liking a girl named Jamielyn Katikitos, from his block. I was hurt, and I wasn't able to stop the tears from falling.
"Mahal kita Janica, pero hindi ko kayang iwanan si Jam. I want you and I want her."
"Kel, hindi ako G.R.O na kung kailan mo ko gusto dun tayo magkarelasyon. Make up your mind."
"Hindi ko naman sinabing G.R.O ka I just want you to understand."
"Understand what? Understand that after telling me weeks ago that you want to grow old with me now you want to grow old with me and another girl?"
"That's not it."
"Then what's it? Actually I want you to keep it to yourself, because I can't handle any of it anymore Kel."
I was mad, I was depressed, I left with a broken heart and tears falling from my cheeks. Habang nasa fx ako pauwi I realized a lot of things like: kaya pala ayaw niyang magpahintay after classes, kaya pala he didn't appreciate my efforts as much as he used to. Ang sakit isipin that for him it was all over before it was really over.
Minsan sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na kung babalik man siya sa akin kailangan muna niya mag-effort ng sobra, pero naiisip ko rin na hindi siya karapat-dapat para sa second chance. Yes, I still see him around the campus, hindi naman maiiwasan yun, pero the thought that my man is with another girl kills me inside. I just can't bare the feeling of sadness everytime na magkakasalubong kami nag-iiwasan na lang kami. I can't deny na minsan umaasa pa rin akong magkakabalikan pa kami pero nararamdaman ko ring hindi ko na siguro siya kayang mahalin kagaya ng dati. Kailan nga lang nalaman ng family ko na break na kami at ang nasa isip nila ay ako pa ang may iba (deadma na lang sa kanila). Hindi naman kasi ako basta sumuko na lang noon I gave him a chance I wanted him to give really decide. Ang buong barkada nila Kel ay inimbitan ni Jam sa debut niya noon, and I challenged him:
"Either pupunta ka sa debut niya o sa bahay para makapag-usap tayo."
"Napaka-selfish mo Janica, lahat ng kaibigan ko pupunta sa debut ni Jam ang iniisip mo sarili mo."
"Ako pa ang selfish Kel? I am trying to save a relationship that I'm not sure still is exististing. Ikaw ang selfish Kel, ikaw!"
"Bahala ka na Janica." He was about to walk away.
"It's going to be your decision Kel, kapag pumunta ka sa debut niya don't expect na tayo pa the next day. I just want you to know that I will be your greatest loss ever."
Kel just stared at me for a few seconds, he didn't say a word. Then he left, and I felt the pain of being left behind. I knew right then that he would go to that party and our relationship would end, but what's funny is that I was still expecting him to come to my house that day, but he never showed up.
Kel will always be a big part of me, and whatever happened to us can never be erased I just want him to know that my love for him was true. Our beginning will always be clear for me, but our ending will always have a question mark in my mind and in my heart.
"I just wish I was able to capture that last romantic night I had with Kel. Loving is a risk, and taking risks doesn't have any assurance, maybe I chose to love the wrong person, or I maybe I took a risk in the wrong time. Either way I learned, and now I know." -Janica
