The Time We Fell

66

11:36 PM

Lonzo

She's always there for me.
I think she's waiting for me.
But I have already closed that door for us
I am not ready for a relationship.
I'd be shit at it.

Why would you think that naman?

Because she'd never be my priority.
I have a full time job and law school
How can I add her to my schedule?
My job is already hectic enough
Then I have law school
How can I give her time when my free time is reading cases?

But you will never know until you try

I don't think I want to try
I don't want to hurt anyone
Right now, I'm okay.
I have my priorities and a girlfriend just isn't it.

I understand. Hopefully someday you'll meet someone right for you. That someone will be your priority as well. You'll find time for her.

Maybe.
How about you?
Why don't you have a boyfriend?
You're very beautiful and I'm sure guys are lining up for you.

Haha.  No.
I don't want a relationship as well.
Siguro na trauma na ako?
You remember yung nakwento ko sayo na old friend?
He hurt me so much e.
Parang di pa din nag heal.
He made me feel worthless.

Can I ask what happened?

I hate sharing it

It's fine.
You don't have to tell me.

No. I hate sharing it kasi it brings back the pain.
And I'm very private din talaga.
But I think with you it's okay?
You're a new friend pero ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko sayo.

I feel the same.

So....
Paul was my boyfriend.
We were childhood sweethearts.
Like I planned our wedding in my head already.
How many kids and dogs we'd have.
All of it. In my mind he was my endgame.

Our first summer as a college student, we had it all planned out.
Our friend group will go on a European tour.
But I couldn't go.
Kiel and Ting didn't go as well because I wasn't going.

He cheated on me. With our mutual friend. 
And our friend group hid that fact from us three.
Nagkakagulo na sa bahay at time so hindi ko napansin yung signs.
But when the news finally broke about my family
My friends were gone. Kiel and Ting stayed.
The others. All gone

I thought he'd stay as well, you know?
First love and all that.
But no. He didn't. He chose that girl over me
All because of my family's downfall
Like he could only love me if I was this certain girl
But since that was gone, his love was gone as well
How shallow was it that as soon our bank account went 0 he was gone?
Like ang worthless ko pala if mahirap lang ako?

I begged. I asked him to stay.
I needed him but he turned me away.
He told me that he didn't want to be associated with me.
With my family.
Ano daw ba maimbag ko sa kanya and family niya?

It hurt me and it still hurts me.
The pain of feeling worthless.
Kaya I don't want a relationship.
Wala pa akong nakakarating.
Ano bang maimbag ko sa magiging partner ko?
My life is so hard na and ayoko na masaktan.

Don't tell me his name.
I might just find him and kill him for you

But don't believe a word he said.
You are worthy.
You deserve every happiness the world has to offer.

Someday, you will meet a true man that will love you no matter how many zeroes there are in your bank account.

Rain,
You are worthy.
Never again tell yourself otherwise.