So I dont know too. Im also a ball of uncertainties. And I lie. Yes, I lie but to protect the little happiness I've found. I dont want people judging me, criticizing my choices so I lie. A neccesarry lie to continue talking with him because at this moment I feel like I might love. I might lower my guard and pride because finally someone who fucking has a personality came without me asking. I mean Im searching but not desperately because I had been waiting. I like that at first we didnt want commitments but now we're secretly hiding the thing between us. Or it is just me.
I dont wanna be hurt. But when will I be ready to get hurt when I dont even love or learn to try to open my prideful heart?
I want to share every little thing about us to one of my closest friend but I think I'll just keep it to myself sometimes because I dont want them misunderstanding me. It'll just come out when maybe Im already hurt or broken or we're already not fooling around. I'll just tell them once I learn my lesson or move on.
I feel like this will also be like that case with that bi in Bayombong that showered me with so much attention, care and uncertain display of love but then I ended up regretting letting myself be swayed for even a bit. I feel like I will also regret this, letting someone under my walls. I feel like this is just temporary like everyone else.
But when i talked to him, it's everything. I love the senseful talks even the sensual ones. I love the subtle way he compliments and the way he just speaks directly his feelings to at I kept blocking to sink in because i have trust issues. I kept thinking this is just some sick joke to him i shouldnt believe it. But I feel his sincerity. Even his anger and the way he also speaks ill of me directly without sugarcoating it. He literally is the only guy that cursed at me while i got angry at him. The only one who dared to make me mad for wtf sake. It makes me doubt his words but I know for a reason he's a guy that doesnt tolerate bitchy girls. I'be blocked him so many times and he also reach out too many times. He said he cant forget me. I often thought of him to on some basis where my mind wondered and is not busy. Because he's the only guy I had a senseful talk with and I crave his mind. I crave the deep talks the way our mind meets in the middle and even our attitude. I crave interesting and unusual guys that lets me think for a while. I love how matured he is to things. I liked how we talk. I like the fun in founding out things about him that is funny. I like the way he just blurts out he likes me, the possessive way of him declaring Im his without even my permission or assurance that we've agreed to be in a relationship.
