What means to be alive

2.

I never felt the need to be hold before. I always thought that it will never be needed.

I couldn't be more wrong.

I am at the weakest point of my day, drained by energy and tired of crying. Cuddling my pillow, I wish it was someone I can hold, feel safe and be able to let myself let go. But I know better than anyone else that I am not the person that's gonna get a ''happy ending'' in the end of my story.

I don't think happy endings is meant for everyone. I mean, I love reading books with happy endings, because it helps me escape, but that doesn't mean I prefer them.

Books that don't end up with the happily ever after trope it gives me a sense of comfort, reality and maybe for a couple of minutes I escape from the constant feeling of numbiness.

One of the worst things about depression is that at one point you think that you are feeling better and you start to believe it and maybe, even maybe hope.

But in reality after that point you realise, that in fact you have gotten worse. The numbiness returns and yet again you are hopeless. You wish for someone to pull you out of the darkness and be there for all of your wickest points of life.

In reality :you realise that you are ultimately and genuinely alone.

And everyday you ask yourself: again? I have to do this again? Wake up and put a fake smile in my face so nobody can understand how broken I am inside?

I am tired, excausted of this world, myself,everyone.

But what can I do? Give up? That's not a choice.

So I end up broken, tired and hopeless in this world full of misery and darkness. Darkness that successfully has entered my heart.

Nadia,

xoxo