What means to be alive

5.

Tired, disgusted, pathetic.

That's what I feel lately, especially about the friends stuff.

I realise that everyday that goes by I am trying to be the friend I always wanted. The friend that is there for you no matter what, that gonna put you first above all and the friend who always care too much and in the end its gonna get hurt.

I don't want it anymore, I don't want anything I just want to be on bed all day long and do absolutely nothing, like I used to I guess.

It doesn't matter I have already gained too much weight, can't sleep, I have really bad anxiety and I can't talk to my friends even my parents.

I don't know how, but my friends always will turn a conversasion about themselves and their pretty little lives or even as they said it ''worst life they could ever had''. Pathetic.

And my parents they think that I am okay now and I couldn't stand the look in their when I told them everything I feel. It broke my heart.

And maybe the fact that I get so irritated and bored about my friends feelings sometimes is because I have already been there.

And its so excusted to have this stupid smile on my face and positive attitude and say that everything is fine because I can't do otherwise.

I can't get out of this stupid cyrcle, and above all I am not living I am just existing.

Nadia,

xoxo