Fever Dream

The Doctor Will See You Now

I forgot how bad this waiting room stinks. Ever since I was pregnant with my son Arlo, the taste and aroma of berries is excruciatingly tart and earthy to me. The receptionist that's been here for forever seems to think the blackberry lemongrass candle was the communal fragrance of choice. While some enjoy it, I personally feel my glands tightening up inside my jaw, giving me the sensation of having eaten something sour. I yawn to stretch it out and take my water bottle from my purse and take a long swig. I'm not sure if it's the stench the little flame is wafting through the room, but my water tastes bitter, and I begrudgingly screw the cap back onto the plastic bottle and drop it into my purse and dig for my new pack of gum instead."Ava? I'm ready for you now."I hear Dr. Grant's familiar voice as I pop a piece of the spearmint gum into my mouth and drop the pack into the hot mess abyss of crap my purse holds. We exchange a warm greeting and head to her office where I plop down in the very chair that I spilled many tears in during sessions with Dr. Grant. God, I didn't realize how triggering it was going to be coming back here, but I needed to see my therapist."So Ava, what brings you in here after all this time?"I swallow and glance down at my chipped polish fingernails. I knew this was going to be hard to say to a professional, but at the risk of sounding crazy, I had to know what was going on. "I think...I saw Linkoln yesterday."Dr. Grant pushes her gray hair back from her glasses and her hazel eyes furrow at me, accentuating the crow's feet surrounding them. She's giving me the very look I knew she would, yet I'm still not ready to see it. "You did, did you? What makes you think it was him?"I chew on my lower lip and toss my brown hair off my shoulder, "I know that it's impossible for it to be him. Which is what I'm doing here. I need to know if there's some logical explanation for this."She stares at me, and I know she notices how drained I look. It's not hard to miss. There are bags under my green eyes, my ivory face is most likely pale, and am unkempt. "How much sleep have you gotten lately?"I shrug, "I take it when it comes.""Ava...""I didn't sleep at all last night. And lately, it being the anniversary of the...fire, it's messed with me. I feel like since it's been five years, I should be over it by now."Dr. Grant chuckled softly, "You should be over it by now? Ava, I told you during our sessions years ago that grief takes time. Five years has gone by but maybe you're just scratching the surface.""You think my seeing Linkoln is due to lack of sleep?""It could be. Maybe your brain is holding onto something that you need to let go of. It could be a lot of reasons. Let's start with you describing the situation to me before we assess reasons."I'm not sure what I was hoping for. Seeing him shook me to my core and I wanted to see my therapist, but somehow, I space on the annoying fact she would make me describe it. I didn't think this through. How can I? Linkoln was my husband, and I loved him fiercely, desperately, unconditionally. We met in college, and he was everything I didn't know I wanted in a man. His family was well to do, and he spoiled me endlessly. Sure, we had our occasional arguments and problems, but we never lost sight of what we meant to one another.He gave me my dream wedding, and we both wanted a baby. We tried and succeeded. I should've known life was too perfect. Life must come with balance and the universe is full of sick jokes. Things can change in the blink of an eye and in a single night, a fire destroyed everything; my home, my husband...there was no will set in place, so I was forced to start over. Seeing his face again when I know he's dead was harder to talk about than I anticipated.I close my eyes and replay the previous day's events of when I saw Linkoln. "I was dropping Arlo off at school, surrounded by the same clusterfuck of parents. I looked over by the fence where some kids were walking, and I saw him. I did a double take, and I had no doubt that was Linkoln.""Are you sure this wasn't just someone who reminded you of Linkoln?" Dr. Grant asks.My eyes shoot open and I look at her in disbelief, "I've seen many guys who remind me of Linkoln. I would have known if this was one of them but it's not. I looked at his face, it was him. He was gone before I could investigate further.""Let's get back to your lack of sleep. It's perfectly normal to hallucinate when your brain is deprived of rest."I scoff with frustration, "I know what happens from lack of sleep. I know that it's possible I hallucinated, but why now? I've been dating Daniel for six months and I feel like I'm finally moving on. Why now?"Dr. Grant is patient with me when she hears the hostility in my tone, "Maybe this is your trauma trying to scare you out of being happy.""That just sounds ridiculous.""Are you afraid of moving on Ava?""I don't think I am. Daniel is great, and our relationship progresses by the day." My tone is overcompensating, and I know Dr. Grant smells it."How is Arlo getting along with him?""I...haven't told Arlo about him.""Why not?""It's always just been us; I don't want to rush things and throw the fact I'm seeing someone at Arlo.""Perhaps after six months it's safe to say Daniel is going to stick around for a while. Maybe Arlo would like to have a man around. You never know unless you try."I leave the session feeling like nothing was accomplished. It's frustrating, but at least I know going back is pointless. I go treat myself to a KFC Bowl, a comfort food of mine, and then I go to pick Arlo up at school. Daniel is out of town so it's just me and Arlo for dinner. We do homework and he gets a bath and goes to bed. I hear something hit my window as I get ready for bed. I go to check it out and see a man standing outside on the grass of my house. That jet black hair and ice blue eyes made no mistake. Linkoln is out there.