Fever Dream

It's Just a Side Effect

I sit on the floor and hold my son in my arms, basking in the relief of everything being alright. It was all just a nightmare. That's what it was. But I am shaken; the fire, the screams, it all reminded me of how I couldn't get to Linkoln. Was he screaming for me too? My worst fear is not being able to keep Arlo safe. My son is all I have left of the man I loved, and he is the world to me."Mommy, did you have a bad dream? Arlo asks as I rock him in my arms."Yes, my boy. I did.""I didn't know grownups had bad dreams.""We do baby. And they can be quite scary."Arlo turns his gaze toward me. He has his father's eyes which melts my heart every time I look into them. They'll never look at me with adoration Linkoln's did, but they carry a love that a son holds for his mother and that is what makes me feel so lucky that he's my son. He looks at me with protection behind those baby blue eyes in this moment."You get scared too?" he asks.I hesitate but then I remember a promise I made after he was born that I would never hide from him. After losing Linkoln, I swore I would never sugar coat this world. It's cold and cruel and you never know what life will throw at you. Mommy is many things, but above all, I am human, and I wouldn't ever let Arlo think I was greater than that. I smile and nod, "I do..."He smiles with appreciation for my honesty and wraps his little arms around me. "You always make me feel safe when I'm scared, but who makes you feel safe when you are?"I'm not sure how to answer that question. I decide to go with the truth, "I keep myself safe. I remind myself that everything is okay, and if I believe it, then it is, and I can move on."Arlo gets to his feet and looks me in the face. He reaches up and his hands cup my cheeks. "I want to keep you safe, Mommy. Next time you're scared, you call on me and I'll make sure you feel safe like you make me feel safe."My eyes well up with tears. How did I ever get so lucky to have a son that's so sweet and is wanting to take care of me at the tender age of five? He brushes my tears away and kisses my cheeks."Don't cry Mommy. I love you and you told me that we protect the ones we love.""You're right Arlo, I did. You are such a good boy."He smiles and pulls me into his tiny arms, holding me as tightly as he can. "I'll stay with you until you fall asleep.""You would do that for me?""Yes. But just until you fall asleep."I laugh and allow Arlo to tuck me back into bed and he stays with me. We both fall asleep on my bed, and I wake up the next morning to him waking me up."Mommy, the alarm went off. We have to get ready for the day."That's just what we did. I go about my day, attending work and catching up on some things to get the employees at the office's paychecks disbursed on time. I take my lunch hour to call Dr. Grant and inform her of what happened the night before after taking my medication. She tells me that vivid nightmares are a side effect that will disappear with time the longer I take it. I'm not thrilled at the idea of having more nights like that with Arlo. Sweet as he is, I won't have my son feeling like he has to babysit his own mother at night.I call my mother to see if Arlo can stay with her for a couple of weeks. Just until I can adjust to my new medication. She happily agrees and then I call Daniel."Hey babe!" he answers cheerfully into the phone."Hey! So...I had a talk with Dr. Grant after taking my medication." I start to explain."Yeah?""Let's just say, she told me that my mind can do some things while I adjust to it. My parents have Arlo and I figured you could stay with me for a while? Maybe...take things to the next level?"Yes, it's true, Daniel and I have been dating for six months and I have never slept with him yet. I've never been a woman who likes to date around or hookup with men. No disrespect to those that do, I'm just not that kind of girl. I used to be, but since I met Linkoln, I swore he would be my last. But then you know the rest. I decided with everything that was happening, and me not wanting to be alone and move forward with Daniel, it was time to let that part of our relationship blossom."You mean...sleep together?" he asks, and I hear the smirk on his face."That's exactly what I mean, but first, we have to talk about some things, and I want to talk tonight at my place. We can do dinner and whatever else the mood calls for after we talk.""Sounds perfect."I finish the day and pick up some dinner for Daniel and me. It's just a pizza, but it's bomb all the same. I tell Daniel about the side effects of the medication and he's understandably worried."And you want to take this time to level up in our relationship?" he asks suspiciously."I know it's odd timing but...things have been weird between us and I want to take this time to see if you're really here for the long haul. Can you be there for me when I need someone the most?"He reaches up and brushes my cheek. Daniel leans in close and presses his lips to mine and we fool around. Not full-on sex, but we do things we've done before, I take my medicine, and we fall asleep. I open my eyes and look over to find a charred body next to me. It's Linkoln. He opens his eyes and reaches for me. I scream and back away. He starts moving towards me and pins me to the bed. His hands go around my neck and I start to choke out. I struggle beneath him, but he's not letting up. I blink and suddenly all the char is gone, but Daniel is on top of me with his hands around my neck."Daniel?" I choke."Sorry it's just...you were screaming." He says as he backs away.