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Moe moe's apartment New Orleans
Ik it was wrong of me to come at riah like that yesterday but I can't let myself catch feelings for anybody else after what my last did .
she drained me so much n I kept on trying n trying even tho she told me she didn't want a relationship many times yet I still put my all into her just for her to tell me we can be friends .
I wasted 4 whole months and my summer trying to get her to try n love me how I love her but I failed n she left .
I can't physically like another person bc she ruined it n what's making it worse is I still can't get over her , I have too much love for her that I'm still waiting for her to come back .
she barely gave me attention which made me crave it more from her she always knew how to say the right things to me if I was sad she would always bring a smile to my face I loved how we would stay up all night n just talk about absolutely nothing it's like we were just otp laughing with eachother .
I made sure she know she was the prettiest girl in the worl n showered her with love but I always got told that it was her first real relationship and she doesn't know how to take that type of love so that made me push harder n show her it's okay to be loved like this but yet she never tried .
what really broke me was she would do certain things that I didn't like n when I told her about she said she was gonna change and stop but she kept on doing it and I FUCKING stayed with her no matter what she did or what she said to me I stayed .
I still look for texts and calls or just to hear her soft spoken voice one more time just to laugh and talk with her one more time .
we been through a lot with one another n we told a lot about ourselves to eachother but yet she still left because she wasn't ready .
I just don't fucking get it because she wanted ME first but I'm chasing her ain't that some bullshit y would she get with me if all she was gonna tell me was she wasn't ready .
I can't go through another heartbreak like that EVER agin .
i was now walking into my apartment with tear streams down my face n I looked like I been goin thru it which I have .
tonight I'm having one of the worst depression episodes where I'm letting everything out that I've been holding in so long n it feels so good to let go and to let it all out .
but it's worse because I can't control my thoughts or the voices in my head I just let them run .
as soon as I stepped into the house I close the door and drop everything in my hand and just dropped down crying questioning why I'm like this or why am I who I am .
i cried to point to where I couldn't breathe n gasped for air so I had to calm myself down , I got up walking over to my full body size mirror staring at myself in it .
i looked at my self with all these questions running through my mind but one stuck to me "do I really wanna kill myself" was the question that stuck to me but a part of me had an answer and the other part was blank .
I took my shirt off along with my pants just leaving me in my sports tank top n victory secrecy's panties . I stood up and stared at all the cuts that went up my ark and down my thighs I was disgusted but satisfied at what I was doin to myself it numbed all my pain that was caused by the people who hurt me .
As I stared in the mirror I noticed my cuts were all bleeding out n my blood just flow everywhere n I had dark circles under my eyes I saw spiders coming out the bloody cuts and running up and down my legs .
I started screaming and scratching to get them off of me but nobody but me was in the house i was trying my best to remember that what I'm seeing is not real but it felt so real , I can feel it .
my eyes were shut tight not wanting to see what's in the mirror , I slowly opened my eyes and yelled at myself that it's not real I yelled into I could no longer see myself bleeding out n the spider .
but what I can see is when I scratching at the imaginary spiders I opened n worsened the cuts on my arms .
I sighed at myself n walked into the bathroom n ran cold bath water while I went under the sink grabbing the first aid kit to fix my cuts so they do get infected .
After I was done cleaning myself I took the rest of my clothing off and stepping into the bath tub hissing at the coldness but later relaxed at the feeling on my skin .
i sat in the tub for a good 45 minutes but i decided to get out I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around me n started walked to my closet to put on some of her boxers and one of her oversized t's .
i got myself situated n did my nightly routine before I went to the kitchen to get something to snack on then went back to my room to lay down .
i closed my eyes for the remainder of the night but that question still on my mind "do I really wanna kms" I mean it should be a yes because Im addicted to self harming my self .
"mannn I'm so fucking tired" I breathed out slowly falling into a deep slumber .
Heyyy I'm back baby momassss Ik y'all missed ya girl
Ik I said it was gon be a happy chapter but that boringgggg
who y'all think she be talking about she she kept saying "her" ?
