Chase

01

Growing up, I would always try to find the fun out of every little thing. I am one of those type of people who would walk out and leave the room once it's no longer fulfilling.

It also goes the same with relationships for me. Kapag may habulan, it's thrilling and satisfying pero kapag nakuha mo na and it gets stable, I find it boring. Less chase, less fun.

And now, here I am in front of Miguel, trying to find out if all of this is still.. alam mo na.. nakaka-enjoy.

“Why do you want a break up, Zef? I thought everything was going fine with us. Did I do something wrong? May dapat ba 'kong ayusin o baguhin sa sarili ko? Is there anyone you're suspicious of so I could avoid her?” Nakakunot ang noo nya, his face is expressing  disbelief.

Hindi ko alam kung ano bang isasagot ko. Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit ako nakatayo rito sa playground na walang katao-tao, kaharap ni Miguel, saying those words.

“Can't we just break up? Kailangan ko pa bang sagutin ang mga tanong mo?”

Wow, Zephrah. What a very stupid counter-attack to avoid his questions.

“Of course Zeph!”, nagulat ako sa biglaang pagtaas ng boses nya. “Don't you think you're being unfair? Ending things for us this easy? Of course I should know the reason why!”

He was catching his breath after releasing his anger.

“At least..”, he added pero medyo huminahon na ang pakakasabi niya noon.

I'm feeling guilty right now. Pero naiisip kong mas magiguilty ako kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang lahat, with Miguel, ngayong wala na kong natitirang energy to make efforts for him. I think I just woke up and boom! I fell out of love.

Normal ba ang ganito?

“I'm sorry, Miguel”. After all that shuffling of words and explanations inside my head, iyon lang ang salitang lumabas sa bibig ko.

He scoffed. “Kanina ka pa sorry nang sorry. Hindi sorry ang hinihingi ko, Zef. Rason!”

I understand where his huge amount of anger is coming from. 9 months together is already kinda long,you know.

I sighed then raised my head to face him. “It's just that we keep on repeating things. Doing the same thing over and over again. I don't know if there's something to call what I'm currently feeling right now, Miguel but all of these are just draining me out and..”

“And what, Zeph?”, pagsisingit niya.

“..and boring.” I continued. “You're really kind, you're respectful, you have your own stand on things, you have the greenest flags I have ever seen and experienced but you know me Miguel. I love chasing after the fun.”

Weariness was evident in his eyes as he looked at me whose trying to build up these explanations.

“So you basically just got bored of me?”

Wala akong naisagot. Hating myself to admit it because he's right.

Mapakla syang natawa. Na-memorize niya na ata ako. My silence has always been a ‘yes’.

"I'm sorry", i have no other words to say.

He just looked at me with his brows furrowed. Wala nang patutunguhan tong usapan namin. With a slight hesitation, I walked away from him.

Sa lahat ng bagay, ako yung laging umaalis. Minsan ay pumapasok rin sa isip ko kung ano ba yung mararamdaman ko kung ako naman yung iwanan sa ere?

Siguro iyon na ang magiging karma ko.