Life Under The Rainbow

Chapter Two

“Being straight was my phase”

Ntsakisi Junior Mfusi. That’s what they named me. I was named after a man I don’t know; a man my fathers don’t know. He was my grandfather's father; Ntsakisi. He had a Xitsonga mother and a Zulu father; Mfusi. Our name means source of happiness. 

My parents didn’t name me though, I doubt dad would’ve been able to come up with a decent name at the time, his life was still very much pear shaped. Don’t ask me how I know this. I was my parent’s first child born into wedlock, so the Mfusi elders took it upon themselves to name me. Its very strange that we have no extended family, but that’s none of my business, I wasn’t even born yet. 

I guess maybe I was destined to be their source of happiness. Either that or a complete disappointment. I think I’m borderline both. Throughout my teenage years, I was praised for being the most well behaved and respectful compared to all my brothers. I’m a quiet person by nature, I’m an observer, but I never knew that about myself until the day I was sure about my sexuality. And I was closer to my sister Helo in age. Born in the same month, only a year and a few days apart. That made our family categorize us as one, and we earned ourselves the nickname “twins.”

We were extremely close, she was my partner in crime, my other half. So close to the point where we would share the same bed. We would sit and talk, bonding over our several common interests for hours, earning ourselves a hiding from mom when we would struggle to wake up in the morning for school. It was a match made in heaven; all until she found out about my sexuality.

It was five years ago; she was visiting our family home for the school holidays, coming back from Johannesburg. She was a student at UJ, studying psychology. My sister is educated, and she’s also smart when it comes to books, it’s a pity she’s so naïve. I hadn’t started varsity yet, I took that year off to focus on myself and upgrade my matric results because I really wasn’t satisfied with what I got. And in that year, I chose to stay at home, since my parents came back from the Eastern Cape only after leaving for a few months while we were in boarding school. 

I was called for dinner one night, but it wasn’t my good day. It was one of those days where my thoughts controlled me and my body parts and I couldn’t resist the temptation. I took me about five minutes to relieve myself and so I decided to take a shower before joining them. When I came out the bathroom, there she was, mouth hanging ajar, like her jaw would snap and break right then and there. She had my tablet glued to her hands, eyes darting between the screen and whatever else that was next to her. Well shit, I forgot to remove the tab.

“Ntsakisi?” she saw me standing there and guilt covered her whole face and she went pale.
“Khauhelo, leave my room.” I tried my level best not to seem angry, but more than anything, fear engulfed me the moment I walked out that bathroom. I knew exactly what she had seen.
“Bhuti, I’m going to give you a chance to explain, I won’t jump to conclusions.” She said, her voice sounding shaky.
“I don’t need to explain anything to you. You have no right to be going through my things.” She slowly placed the tablet in her hand on the bed, and gradually made her way towards me, different emotions danced on her face.
“Ntsakisi.” She whispered.
“Stop saying my name and get out of my room. Just get out of my room Khauhelo.” I drained out all the energy from her because she stared at me defeated.
“Go.” She shook her head before leaving my room.

It took a lot for me not to crumble right there. My secret was out, there was no relief in knowing that I wasn’t the only one who had to live with this, now an additional human being knew about it and it made my life ten times harder. 

Our bond as brother and sister weakened from that day onwards. Just like that, like we didn’t share the same womb and we didn’t grow up in the same house with the same mother and father. Mom would’ve noticed, but the distance between us made it easier to believe that her and I were still inseparable, even when we were miles away. No one had to know that we hadn’t spoken since that night. It was like our little secret. That amongst other unspoken about things.