"I've gotta be lying to myself now,I'm not okay. How cam I be okay when I'm nothing?"
"I made it to four months. I think of being self harm free. But the only reason I'm not self harming is not because I'm "getting better" it's because I have no energy or motivation anymore. And the fact that it's summer. I need to feel it again. I need the pain and to see myself bleed. Ever since I completely stopped self-harm, I've been getting worse, and my thoughts are worse. I wanna grab a razor blade from a Sharpener and go ham. I don't wanna be clean anymore. I wanna see myself in pain because I know I'm pathetic and useless. I will never be the same again. My scars are fading, and most people will be happy about that. But I'm not. I wanna see the scars so I know how useless and worthless I am. I wanna see the pain that I went through. It's almost like it never happened. But it did.the days I would self-harm in the school bathroom. The days I cried while holding the blades. Was it all for nothing? My skin has been so pale ever since the end of fifth grade. When I would starve myself to the brink of passing out. Now, the scars are hidden. It's useless that I want to see the scars. It's like my story wasn't real. As if I had never done it at all. I used to watch the blood fall out of my wrists in the bathtub and sink. I felt something. I felt alive. Now the scars don't show. Why can't they show? I wanna at least not look like I lied for attention because I didn't. It was painful. It was suffering pain. It made me wanna die. I constantly would trigger myself just so I could cut again. I would get triggered by others. I cleaned people's cuts when they needed me. But who was there to wash my blood? Nobody. Why can't I be enough. I would be in pain, and nobody would help me. I think that maybe forcing myself to be clean wasn't such a good idea..."
-me thinking to myself
YOU ARE READING
hanging with the stars
Short Storythis is not a very important book,just a diary or some sorts. this can be very triggering. I'd advise not to read it if you get triggered easily. everything here is triggering so none of it will be very happy