hanging with the stars

chapter 2|self harm thoughts

"I've gotta be lying to myself now,I'm not okay. How cam I be okay when I'm nothing?"

"I made it to four months. I think of being self harm free. But the only reason I'm not self harming is not because I'm "getting better" it's because I have no energy or motivation anymore. And the fact that it's summer. I need to feel it again. I need the pain and to see myself bleed. Ever since I completely stopped self-harm, I've been getting worse, and my thoughts are worse. I wanna grab a razor blade from a Sharpener and go ham. I don't wanna be clean anymore. I wanna see myself in pain because I know I'm pathetic and useless. I will never be the same again. My scars are fading, and most people will be happy about that. But I'm not. I wanna see the scars so I know how useless and worthless I am. I wanna see the pain that I went through. It's almost like it never happened. But it did.the days I would self-harm in the school bathroom. The days I cried while holding the blades. Was it all for nothing? My skin has been so pale ever since the end of fifth grade. When I would starve myself to the brink of passing out. Now, the scars are hidden. It's useless that I want to see the scars. It's like my story wasn't real. As if I had never done it at all. I used to watch the blood fall out of my wrists in the bathtub and sink. I felt something. I felt alive. Now the scars don't show. Why can't they show? I wanna at least not look like I lied for attention because I didn't. It was painful. It was suffering pain. It made me wanna die. I constantly would trigger myself just so I could cut again. I would get triggered by others. I cleaned people's cuts when they needed me. But who was there to wash my blood? Nobody. Why can't I be enough. I would be in pain, and nobody would help me. I think that maybe forcing myself to be clean wasn't such a good idea..."

-me thinking to myself