hanging with the stars

chapter 4| school.

"I fucking hate school, everyone there is fake ass bitches. Teachers say they will help you, but in reality, they won't. Unless your a slut or looking like your a trash can. When anyone who looks 'normal', they just brush it off. I hate school with a passion. I tolerate the fucking bitches who take up the bathrooms everyday just so they can vape or gossip,they always have the best dirt on people. But when something about you, it spreads like the plague,everyone knows your business,you don't even know it. It feels so free to be quiet and to shut up. But I'm not like that,I'm an outgoing person with the people I can. When I'm comfortable in a situation, I can talk and talk until the days done,but the second you shut me down. I'm down. I won't speak at all,I won't breathe,I won't look at you, I will stop thinking,I will stop eating,I will stop sleeping.. for you. Everything will be resolved around you. Nobody else matters. I need people to like me. What would I be if people hated me? I'm the happy one. The one who is the "dirty minded" funny person? I am the center of the party. I don't yell. But I do sometimes,thats not my fault though. Life is tough. You need to be loud,but not too loud,or else your annoying and too energetic. You have to be quiet but not too quiet that you seem insecure,that's just something for people to use against you at school. Oh no,everything you do is watched. The worst part is that if there's no new kids,those classmates,they have seen you before you had grown up,they have seen you in your awkward stages. 'Do you remember when you _____?'  Or 'hah,at least I didn't _____!' It's so fucking annoying like shut the fuck up and focus on your life. You aren't any better than I am. Your not god,your not anything, so shut the fuck up. God. I hate people who use things that you did in your past against you, like bitch? That was last year. Get your fucking eyes checked,this isn't the past so stop using it against me!. The people who try to be funny are the stupidest in the world. Like no..that's not funny,it's on purpose too,it's so just icky. And disgusting. I hate the girls that are 'apart of the bois' because literally she's using it to either make herself the center of their attention or she's just trying to be 'special' for some reason. Teachers suck as well,i love some teachers but my math teacher,I hate him so much,I told him how I felt and he brushed me away,he is homophobic and he isn't any better than me. He smokes to look cool,like dude? Are you 16 or something? In my other class periods I think my favorite teachers are my science and English teachers,my English teacher actually cares about people's health,I wish she would notice that I'm hurting,but some people do need it more than me,she's the best. The science teacher does get on my nerves when I get in trouble for nothing,but she's still sweet. Best part is,they don't give us homework,I used to fail my class in English but I think this year I'm getting better. You know,I'm trying to be better but I feel like a disappointment,I wanna be smarter but when your constantly tired and wanting to just sleep to ignore the words in your head,you get distracted easily. I hate the school lunch,everyone's there,I hate the classes,every class,even my main class,they always look at judge people,I hate it. I'm being forced to eat by my bestfriends but I just end up throwing it up in the bathroom anyways. I don't care if it's wasting food,if I wouldn't be forced than I could just give my food to someone else. Everyone judges you,they watch you,eyes constantly looking st you,people whispering your name. It's stupid.
Never trust the fucking people,they all lie to you. They spread fake rumors and they all hate you. Maybe of life would be nicer,i would be happy again."

-thoughts while listening to music after school in my bed