shatter me like glass

by a thread

I have been holding on for so long. 

I have kept the tears from falling for so long.

I have been smiling for so long.

but you never noticed.

so I decided to keep it all in. 

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing it. 

I don't know how much longer I can keep it in. 

I don't know if I even want to keep going. 

 I don't know how much longer can I stay here.

hanging on by a thread.  

- original quote by me.

PS: I'm currently listening to depressing music right now.  

kai pov

It felt like forever I stood there, I didn't know what to feel. a thousand thoughts raced through my mind but I couldn't seem to comprehend any of them, so I said in a slightly shaky voice. 

kai - w-why would he hide this from us? 

Lloyd just looked at me and said in a slightly hushed and shaky voice.

Lloyd -  I ... I don't know. I'm the leader of this team I'm supposed to be able to prevent stuff like this but. 

I saw a tear roll down his cheek, so I walked over to him put my hand on his shoulder, and said. 

kai - hey don't go blaming yourself for this, you couldn't have known this happened. it's not your fault that Jay decided to stay silent about this. so don't go blaming yourself for this alright? 

Lloyd just nodded and said.

Lloyd - thanks Kai, I won't.  

I took my hand away from his shoulder and turned to face the others, Cole had his back turned to me and Zane just stood there seemingly in shock. no matter how hard I tried I couldn't help but feel that part of this was my fault. what if he had taken those words I said harder than I thought? 

cole pov

For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to face the others. 

" I'm his best friend, I'm the one who is meant to be there for him when stuff like this happens. but I wasn't, I'm the one who he was supposed to be able to come to and I wasn't there for him. I should have never let him just walk away that night but I did. I'm a terrible friend!" 

I didn't even notice as a stream of tears made their way down my face.

"No, there is still time. I can still help him but the question is does he really want my help anymore?"  

this thought lingered in my mind unending and relentless. 

"But what if I'm already too late, yes I know what it is like to lose someone but at least I had taken the time to grieve. from what I have been seeing Jay has been holding this all in, What if he does something to himself What if he - No! I can't think about that not yet, not ever! All I can do now is try to help him and hope he's okay" 

Zane pov  

I just faced the floor in shock, lost in my own thoughts. 

"How could I have let this happen!? I'm the one who is supposed to be watching over my brothers and catch them if any of them fall and yet here we all are. how could I have been so blind to this, I should have questioned him the first time I saw that something was wrong but did I? No I didn't! I'm the one who is supposed to be the smart one who is meant to spot things that dont seem right and yet I missed this" 

I then felt a hand on my shoulder and I heard the all too familiar voice of Lloyd say. 

Lloyd - Hey bud, you okay? 

I looked up at him gazing into those kind grass green eyes and said.

Zane - to be completely honest, I don't know. I'm the one who is supposed to be able to make sure that this stuff doesn't happen. I know that I couldn't have known that this would have happened but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like failed the team. 

Lloyd - you didn't fail the team, It is not any of our fault for this, and neither is it Jays. All we can do now is help him and try and prevent anything else from happening.  

I just nodded but my attention was then drawn towards Cole as he said. 

cole - so what now, we can't just go up to Jay and say we know what really happened, right?

Zane - I guess the best thing that we can do, is try and help him through this and make sure that he doesn't do anything to himself.

kai - what do you mean by that? 

there was a hint of fear in his voice. 

Zane - it is quite common for someone in this situation to blame themself for this, and that blame can lead to a kind of depression and that's the last thing we want to happen. but I'm afraid it already has.  

no one said a word, it was about a minute later that Cole finally spoke up. 

cole - let's just get back to the monastery, OK? 

kai - y-yeah let's do that. 

no one said another word. We all began to summon our elemental dragons and I summoned mine and we all began to fly by the monastery in silence. 

jay pov 

i flinched in pain as I washed my cuts, Yes i hurt but it helped to numb the greater pain in my mind. I felt as tears ran down my face. after I finished I rolled my sleeves back up and placed the dagger back in its box and locked the door to my room, letting my thoughts take me over. I didn't know how long I sat there for but I didn't care, I felt worthless.

hello, my friends, Before you ask yes my mental health is a mess but I think I'm okay. I'm going to be honest This chapter hurt my heart and I almost cried writing this. I hope you guys enjoyed this I poured my heart and soul into this. well, my friends until next time.