𝐌𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐁𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 ✓

-18-

I still can't believe I did it. I shared all my fears and insecurities with him, and surprisingly, he understood my problems. He didn’t think I was crazy for being afraid of losing loved ones or fearing to fall in love due to an uncertain future.

I know many might think my fears are irrational or baseless and call me a psycho. But what can I do? This is me. My reality. Everyone has some fear in their life. This is mine—the fear of losing someone I love or will love in the future.

I always had a strong liking for him. Not love, but a deep affection, which I always tried to ignore intentionally, to save myself and my heart from potential hurt if he ever left me. It’s not just about sudden death. What if he falls out of love with me? Find someone better? What if I'm not worthy enough for him? He is so good, and I? I am flawed.

I was happy when he indirectly confessed his love for me, showing his commitment. I’ve always been submissive when it comes to him. Just him. I love to please him, to make him happy. I don’t know why I love it, but I do. People might find it less feminine, but I don’t care.

Amidst my fears, deep down I was happy with his words and actions. Siddique loves me. But I doubted myself. I knew I wasn’t good enough for him. I am not someone he would love, let alone marry. I’m good enough to be his friend only. It was heartbreaking but I was self-aware.

He is almost too good to be true. He never lies, never curses, never misses a prayer. Whereas I lie, curse daily, and don’t even pray five times a day. I am not proud of it. But that’s me.

I couldn’t take it when he broke off our friendship too. I didn’t plan to do that. I just wanted to stop the marriage for now. I am not ready for marriage right now, but I might be in the future. I know I’ll be ready when I overcome my insecurities and fears. And I know only Siddique can help me with this. After all, he knows me inside and out.

Reflecting on our conversation, I smiled. Siddique had shown me the kind of support and understanding I desperately needed. He didn't judge me; instead, he stood by me, promising to face my fears with me. He told me I should have trusted him from the beginning. If I had shared my fears earlier, we could have faced everything together instead of me suffering alone. His words brought a sense of relief and comfort that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I called him up to know if they had reached home yet. After two rings he received.

"As-Salamu Alaikum, Naaz." I heard his deep voice greeting me from the other side.

"Wa'alaikum salam." I did not intend but my voice comes out meek and shy.

God! What's wrong with me?

"Did you reach home?" I asked.

"Yes. Just entered my room, Ms. Girlfriend." I could feel the playfulness in his voice.