Maria Undone

Prologue (Maria at 14)

I slowly opened the door, stopping just before the hinges creaked. It was a routine I was well versed in. Like Tom Cruise in that action movie, I knew each squeak and creak of my mom's room. I memorized which floorboard groaned under my feet and the exact angle at which I could open the door before it protested.

I peeked carefully into the darkened room, holding my breath briefly as the pungent stench of stale alcohol and body odor filled my nostrils. I quietly tip-toed further in, taking care not to kick the empty cans of beer and sidestepping the dirty, strewn clothes. As I approached the bed, another sharp stink hit my nose. Given my mom and Steve's state of undress, I knew the scent was the product of the act they had just indulged in. I would have wrinkled my nose in disgust if I wasn't already used to the offensive blend of smells.
The loud sounds of slaps, grunts, and moans had been silent for almost half an hour, so I knew Mom and Steve would be well and truly passed out by now - no doubt helped along by the mix of drugs and alcohol they often took. Even though they seemed unconscious, I was still careful not to make a sound. Mom's last boyfriend woke up and caught me taking five dollars out of her purse. He had snatched my wrist so roughly that I had a bruise around it for a week. Mom had woken up at the commotion, her bleary eyes watching the scene before she promptly fell back into her drug-induced coma.
As far as boyfriends went, Steve was okay. He basically ignored me, only lifting his chin when we crossed paths. That was fine by me. Better than having my ass squeezed or my tits mauled.

I paused as Steve gave a loud snort before he turned heavily, still fast asleep. A hairy arm came down around my mom's sleeping form. I shuffled towards the bed, surveying the scene with apathy. Even their splayed nude bodies failed to evoke a sliver of emotion in me. It was a scene I had witnessed so often that I had become desensitized.
It was four p.m. on a Tuesday. By now, most moms were at home lovingly making their tired school kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a glass of milk. They'd be trying to dredge up any morsel of information about how their day went. Bugging them to get started on their homework. Is that what regular moms did? It had been so long since my mom was awake or sober enough to make me a snack, let alone chat about my day. That memory had faded away until I had convinced myself that the loving mom I had remembered was a figment of my imagination. Maybe one of those family sitcoms I had loved as a little kid created false memories.

Feeling bold and a tad petulant, I kicked at an empty bottle before sticking my tongue out in disgust when I spied a used condom. At least mom was using protection. The last thing I needed was another kid brought into this shit show. Even though Steve had lasted longer than any of mom's previous boyfriends, I bet he would still do a runner if he got mom knocked up. That's what Ryan did. Once mom announced she was pregnant, he told us he was going out for cigarettes. Even as an eleven-year-old, I knew he wasn't coming back. Mom told me she had lost the baby two weeks later, but I knew she went in for an abortion. She left the pamphlet she had picked up from Family Planning on the kitchen counter. I was mad at her for a long time over that because a part of me longed for a brother or sister. It would have been nice to have someone to commiserate with, to fill those lonely and long nights. Someone who loved me unconditionally. Relied on me. Needed me.

My phone beeped, and I quickly slid it out, silencing it.

Jason: Hey, did you get them?

My heart soared. At eighteen, Jason was four years older than me. He thought I was older the first time we met, which didn't surprise me. My clothes and makeup made me appear older, but it was also how I carried myself. Growing up, I had been exposed to acts and language that I knew my friends hadn't been subjected to. It made me grow up fast.

Maria: Just grabbing them now. C U soon.

Jason didn't care how old I was or that I came from trailer trash. He was the first person who saw me for me. He paid attention to me, listened to my problems, and made me feel special. The girlish crush that I felt for him had morphed into more. I wasn't going to turn into my mom - someone who dated losers who eventually left her. I would have real love—someone who would adore and care for me forever.

I opened mom's bedside table and silently celebrated when I spotted a box of unopened condoms. Jason and I were going to have sex tonight. Even though I knew more about sex than I cared to, it would be my first time. Seeing the act performed around me had put me off it and made me sure that I needed to wait until the right boy came along.
Jason was eighteen - practically an adult - and he had been super patient with me. However, his comment last week about leaving for college had me panicking. College meant parties and parties meant girls. Even though he assured me he had no interest in anyone else, he looked so frustrated when I called a halt to our heavy make-out session last week. He dropped me home with a clenched jaw, and with regret lacing his voice, he had told me that he wasn't sure how long he could hold out. My stomach had plummeted at his words, my throat closing at the thought of losing him.

"I hate leaving you behind, babe. I need to know that what we have is real. How can I feel closer to you?"

He was so sweet to wait for me, and even though I was a little scared and unsure, he was right - college girls wouldn't say no to him. Not that he would be interested, of course. But who knew when I would see him next after he went away? I was still in school and had no money to travel to him. Now was the time to cement our relationship.

I turned away from the entangled limbs, ready to leave this mess behind. My hand touched the doorknob before I hesitated. I peered back at the bed, my emotions conflicted. The waning compassion and love for the mom I knew still lingered in my mind's deep recesses. I softly padded back, picked up the discarded sheet from the floor, and covered their bodies.

My phone beeped again, and my heart soared away from me in eager anticipation for my big night with Jason—the start of our future together.