Whisky, Women and World

Chapter 11

We drove to a hill station a four-hour drive from Chennai where I remember visiting seven years ago. It wasn't anything particularly special, but I enjoyed the drive, winding through hairpin bends and taking in the crisp, clean air rare to find in the city. The views were breathtaking, and the peace and tranquility was a welcome respite from everyday life.

We never stopped on our journey. All she asked for was to lower her seat so she could lie down, but she never slept. The road was dark and my car's headlights were only partially working. I was worried I might hit someone while driving on hilly roads and along long stretches. The silence was strange and surreal. Ilayaraaja's songs played throughout the journey, making the atmosphere even more peculiar. In the middle of our trip, I decided to play some of my Rolling Stones songs to break the mood. We opened the car windows to let in the breeze, and I kept my right hand on the car's ceiling, a cigarette between my fingers.

There I was, driving in the pitch black night, the girl by my side, her expression neither fixed nor her gaze changing. Darkness pressed in around me. It was a feeling unlike anything I had experienced before. The night was still, nothing but the hum of the car engine and the occasional sound of a nocturnal animal to be heard. It was as if I was the only one on the planet, just me and my car. The dark night was my own personal realm.

We had climbed for hours, driving through ten hairpin bends, the car winding up the cliff face, before she finally broke the silence. She asked me to park the car at the curve of one hairpin and I found a safe spot. We stepped out of the car and the place was pitch dark. The stars shone above us, sparkling in the night sky and providing us with some light to make out the shapes of the rocks around us.

Despite the roughness of the path, she started walking towards the place as if it were not foreign to her. I ran behind her, pulled my lighter trigger. As the cliff led to a dead end with only a few steps from the curb, we had little visibility ahead of ourselves. We took a few steps forward and could feel the chill in the air. I could see some faint lights flickering in the distance, coming from the matchbox-like houses I had seen earlier in the day. We continued trudging forward, hoping to find a way out of the darkness. The rock we had climbed over seemed like a wall that divided us from the unknown. The wind kept picking up and pushing us away. The darkness seemed to be getting thicker and thicker and it felt like we were getting further and further away from the light. We could barely see anything beyond the rock.

I had no idea what to do or say. I could feel my heart racing as I thought about what would happen if she jumped. I slowly moved the lighter towards her face, and I could see the sadness in her eyes, illuminated by the orange glow of the flames. She closed her eyes and wheezed, her cry growing louder with every breath. She reached out to me, gripping my shirt tightly. Her body shook with each sob and she bent over, her face covered in tears. I watched helplessly as her cries turned into a scream that echoed off into the darkness. It was a sound of agony, pain and rage. Her hands clenched into fists, her face contorted in sorrow and fear. All that surrounded her was darkness, emptiness and void. She cried for the pain she endured, screaming for all the hurt inflicted upon her.

For ten to fifteen minutes, I remained in that spot, observing her fight against sadness. But eventually, I knew I had to leave; it was too painful to stay. I started to walk away, but I was still scared she might jump, so I kept looking back until I reached my car. Even though I had moved twenty feet away, I could still hear her screams.

I lit my cigarette, smoke curling up into the night sky, and jumped over my car bonnet. I sat there, knowing this would take time, and kept my eyes alternating between her and the emptiness around me. The darkness swallowed up the huge space we were in, only heard by the occasional breeze rustle. As I gazed up into the night sky, I was captivated by the multitude of twinkling stars that sparkled like polka dots in the darkness. The sight was mesmerizing, and it reminded me of Simran. All of a sudden, I was struck by a strange feeling—death. I wondered what it would be like to be buried in the ground, to feel the soil pushed against my face. And it was strange that every time I engulfed my thoughts about death, a mixed feeling of happiness and sadness gushed over me.