KillShot [John 'SOAP' Mactavish] *SEQUEL TO BEAUTIFUL LIE*

Thirteen [Hospital]

Alyssa sat at the hospital window.

Blankly staring out, the sky was clear, no white clouds painted through a sea of blue, allowing the sun to radiate through the large window, she sat uncomfortably in its warmth, instead of wrapping her in a welcoming warmth, it was uncomfortable, the heat too much like that in Sierra Leone.

Every banging door had her jolting, jumping slightly with a fright, it sounded to much like a gun, to much like the taunting hands of the Milita as they slammed into the iron door of the cell. She could barely sleep, every time she closed her eyes praying for a moment of rest she was back there. Back in that room with the hood over her head and the blade running down her frame. she couldn't bring herself to eat, could barely manage more than a few sips of water.

She thought of Rhodes. In the back of the truck, she had managed a glimpse of her briefly, a fleeting glance before she met Simon's gaze. The anger clear on his face even through the mask, the way his hands slightly trembled before he steadied himself as he tended to her wounds. She didn't know what had happened to Rhodes if she too had suffered a fate like her own or worse. She didn't think of it too much, or she tried not to. But she couldn't help the guilt that crept its way through her mind, that it was her fault. She should have seen it coming, she was the more experienced agent, she should have got them out of there sooner. She wondered about Yumna, although the woman had betrayed them, now she was safe and her mind was slightly clearer she could understand the reasoning, they had threatened her children. Alyssa didn't know how but they had. She wouldn't admit it, not aloud but she would have done the same. Thrown two strangers under the bus in order to save her children. She would have done it without a second thought.

Tears pooled in her eyes as her mind raced, the guilt overpowering and suffocating her, she had done it before, been so distracted she hadn't thought properly and seen the obvious signs something was wrong. It had landed her in Russia, branded and war criminal. It had severely injured the lieutenant and sergeant, her friends. Because she allowed Emily to take over and cloud her mind. Her boys had nearly lost their mother this time and for what? Because she longed to be back in the field. And what had it done for her? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. After she had arrived the only thing, she thought about and waited for was coming home to her boys. To her husband. If it hadn't been for him, she would be dead and her children motherless.

She glanced over to the tray of food by her bed, it had since gone cold, the stern unkind nurse had simply dumped it on the table with a huff before swiftly leaving, surely to deal with more important patients. Alyssa felt her stomach twist and knot at the sight of it, the smell flooding the room and churning the water in her stomach.

She ran her fingers through her hair, dropping her head as she pulled at the strands tightly, she shouldn't have been so stupid. Rhodes was young, fresh into the field and she was injured, Alyssa didn't know how bad but from the face Ghost had pulled she knew it wouldn't be something she would recover from quickly. It was her fault. She hadn't thought quick enough. Hadn't figured out a way to get them out of there, they had gathered no intel, no idea who was leading the militia. The whole operation had been a waste of time that would scare both of the agents long into the future.

She was dragged into a dark hole by her own mind, sinking deeper and deeper into her own overpowering guilt, it churned her stomach, her fingers clenched tighter around her loose dishevelled locks. Tears burned her cheeks, her eyes unblinking as she stared at the floor, curled in on herself, sinking, falling, drowning in her own thoughts unable to fight, unable to surface for breath. She was suffocating silently. She wanted to scream, to thrash and fight. But she couldn't. all too consumed by the voice in her head, the voice that spoke the truth.

Your fault.

It repeated. Over and over like a mantra. Pulling her further into the darkness, her fingers tightened, she couldn't even feel the pain in her scalp as she tightly gripped the roots of her hair, her knuckles turning white as her eyes burned. She was so incredibly tired, but she couldn't sleep, she wouldn't. she would be back there if she did. She knew she had to get out of it. Of the darkness. But there didn't seem to be a way. Trapped perpetually by the never-ending guilt.