Innocence One-Shot: We Grow Accustomed to the Dark

We Grow Accustomed to the Dark

Elle's eyes starred blankly out at the rolling waves that stretched endlessly beyond the shore. Her toes dug into the sand, as if they could anchor her to reality. The ground was cold on her skin, but it caused her no discomfort. For the first time in what felt like ages her mind was blank. No constant thoughts reeling through it; no emotional responses to the world or the way it treated her. She felt nothing.

Elle reached into the folds of the raggedy dress puddled in her lap, pulling out a knife she had made with the help of Felix. Its razor sharp edge glinted threateningly in the moonlight, but Elle was not afraid. I had been blissful at first, not cowering in fear at the thought of Pan and others that would abuse her for her power, but fear hadn't been to only feeling to leave her. She had lost all of them, even the kind that came with the beauty of sunsets over fields of flowers and happily ever afters. And she was sick of it. Sick of feeling empty every day, like a book with no pages. Just in the way silence was the loudest kind of voice, her absence of emotion was the greatest kind of pain. She didn't want to end her life. Elle felt as if she were already dead inside, making the fact official didn't seem like a better option. But she did want to change it. Everything felt wrong, as if she was disconnected from the real world. 

The crunch of footsteps on sand alerted her to the presence of another on the quiet stretch of shore. She titled her head to stare behind her, recognizing the silhouette of Pan mapped out against the pale moon. It felt odd not to feel the pulse of energy in her stomach and flutter of her heartbeat that usually accompanied his presence. "What are you doing out here so late, Princess?" he asked, seating himself next to her on the sand. 

"I can't sleep," Elle replied. Her words were a huge understatement, but she wasn't sure what else to say. In reality, she hand't slept in days. There didn't seem to be any real reason. She just never felt tired. 

For a moment Pan was quiet, lost in his own thoughts. But then he turned to speak to her again, "What's wrong then?"

Elle chewed on her lip, trying to pinpoint what exactly was wrong. "I feel different," she started, "sort of empty. I've known darkness all my life, it was never something I could escape, but I was always able to resist it. For as long as I could remember I knew the difference between good and bad. But this place is different. Everything is new, and so much of it is bad, just not entirely. It's a darkness, a kind I guess I'm just not familiar with."

"Well of course it is," Pan chuckled, "it's nighttime. Usually, it's dark at night. That's the way things work." He looked at her questioningly, teasing her lightly to cover the concern in his expression.

"No," Elle shook her head, "you know that's not what I mean." She held the knife out to him, "Look at this. Before I came here, I had never even seen a weapon like this. Now, I'm making them. Right now I feel nothing, but I think that's because I'm afraid of what will happen when I do feel things. I'm afraid of what I'll feel. I shut myself down so that I would't have to face what I've become. I'm starting to regret that though; it seems I'm miserable either way." She looked up at him with her wide, miserable eyes.

"Princess," Pan said, turning his head to look down on her, "I know what you're going through. All the boys went through it, even me. Neverland is different from everything you've ever known. You're right, it's not entirely bad. Just new. Sometimes, we confuse the things we don't understand with evil. We assume that darkness is negative, but all it is is unkown. Just like everyone else, you have to adapt to that. There's nothing to be afraid of."

At his words, Elle felt the icy hand of fear clutch her heart. It was the first emotion she had felt in days, but it wasn't a pleasant one. Shivers went rolling down her spine and tears began to spill onto her delicate cheeks. "But... But I... I don't want," she stuttered, "I don't want to change. I don't want to adjust to this darkness, I don't want to be like..."

"Like what?" Pan asked, his features hardening as he pulled back from Elle, "like me?" He looked at her for a second, anger flashing through his eyes. "Don't worry Princess. You never could be. Adapting to your surroundings could never make you evil. Nothing is ever that simple." His tone softened as he saw how truly afraid Elle was, but he knew he couldn't help her. Somethings a person needed to discover on their own.

"I know," Elle whispered. Her words surprised her, mostly because she knew them to be true. Pan had been right, she did need to change. She needed to be stronger; her life in Neverland depended on it. The thought terrified her, but she knew it was the only way. Maybe Pan was right. Not all darkness had to be evil. 

Elle turned her gaze towards the sea, allowing the breeze to blow across her face and dry the wet trails her tears had left behind. She glanced sideways at Pan, before laying back to look up at the stars. He laughed softly and joined her. They lay in silence for what seemed like a small eternity, until Elle finally felt tired. It was such a relief to feel her weighted eyelids sliding closed after their marathon of sleepless nights. Her head felt cold against the sand, so she blindly shifted sideways until she felt Pan's body. Carefully, with her eyes still closed, she placed her head on top of his torso, using him as a pillow. He grunted slightly, but made no other complaints. Elle felt the fear in her heart ebbing away as she was warmed by Pan's body heat, and within minutes became lost in a deep, dreamless sleep.