Starstruck on You [Mile x Apo] [MileApo]

Chapter 14: One Leap Forward, Five Steps Back

His knee would not stop bouncing. It was a nervous tick he had developed since his college days when he would wait for the results of an exam, he crammed last minute studying for and still hoped for the best. Although it was not the same situation, the feeling of anxiety that filled his chest and abdomen was similar and it hurt him to the point that misery was his mistress.

It discomforted him physically, emotionally, and mentally. Is this what love felt like when the possibility of losing it loomed nearby? Was this how Apo felt when it had been Mile on the hospital bed, recuperating? It wasn't the same, he told himself. This was definitely not the same agony and torment, because if it was, he would have to go on his knees to apologize to the younger man for subjugating him to it. They hadn't been in love then. And even if they were, they hadn't connected together in a way that made it impossible to imagine his life before the photography student who managed to dig his claws into Mile and never let go.

If Apo pulled away now, retracted the nails, blood would follow and trickle along stains of regret against his skin pallor, and Mile would only grin through the pain if he knew there was a good reason to let Apo go. The prospect of death was not valid nor wanted as the justification for a separation. Every day that loomed and Apo didn't wake up...it just lingered heavily inside of Mile. Pressed down on his head to make it heavy, suffocated him breathless, and he was spiraling unconsciously. It was obvious. His friends saw it and he definitely was not sure how to process this. If he lost Apo because he was careless and didn't notice the enemies in their circle, he would never forgive himself for putting the man he loved in harm's way.

Mile could barely eat or drink anything. His features were paler than usual and still, he sat there in front of the interview cameras as the group was being questioned about their time in Manila and if they're looking forward to the next leg in the trip. Personally, Mile dreaded the next leg. It would require him to leave a piece of his heart behind if Apo failed to recuperate in time and he couldn't do it. It made him visibly ill to even think about much less speak of, so he let the others speak as his legs alternated in shaking restlessly. Hands folded in his lap and alternated a tight and loose grip. The make-up underneath his eyes was heavy to hide the circles he'd gotten from lack of sleep and his lower lip tugged between his teeth and worn as he tasted the blood from how hard he'd bitten, and his attention clearly somewhere besides there.

"Decha, is Mile alright?" Kiet questioned from his place, nodding over to Mile who had only heard his name, Decha's and 'alright'. No, he wasn't, but he didn't think he'd be able to indicate so.

"Let me check on the zombie..."

The cameras had been cut out into commercials in order to give them a break from the questions. Mile hadn't even noticed until Decha was in front of him, cupping his face in his hands and he stared emotionless into his friend's eyes. These were the hands or the eyes he wanted to give his attention to, those were closed for the moment and hands immobile as they were strapped with strings of IVs that looked like Christmas lights. Mile let out a low sound that came out near whimper and sigh, "De..."

"Mile. You look like shit."

"I feel like shit, De."

"You should've just stayed at the hotel and tried to sleep—"

"No. I have to be there when he wakes up—"

"Running yourself to the ground isn't what Apo would want, Mile. You have to take care of yourself."

Mile shook his head free from the grasp, looked over Decha's shoulder to Kamala coming over with a bottle of water for him, grateful for the attention. Vaguely, he recalled the conversation that he had with his best friend about this woman. That he should be wary of her attention and her 'kindness' and yet it was all Mile wanted at the moment. She was extra attentive in making sure Apo had the best room in the hospital, a private one; the best treatment that money could afford, his family contacted about the incident, and they were kept looped in. Even when Mile wanted to stay in the room and the hospital staff protested his presence, she managed to barter and work out a deal he could stay sleeping on the couch if he remained quiet and didn't bother others on the hospital floor. The ache in his back at the contortionist hat he put on to sleep at night was worth hearing Apo's breathing through the mask they placed over his face as he slept and knowing the other was alive.