Ground Down

Chapter 57

A non-lethal dose of a lethal poison. That's what the healer had said. A non-lethal dose of a lethal poison. Lexa mentally repeated that to herself while a hundred memories flashed in front of her mind's eye, memories of her and Anya standing over a map with Anya pointing out positions and Lexa's little self barely tall enough to follow her finger, memories of Gustus lifting her onto his big shoulders and taking over the lesson. 

Memories of her mentor having gone off to war and memories of standing by the base with her heart in her throat, staring hard into the distance where the sound of hooves promised returning soldiers and begging she'd find Gustus' towering frame among them because she'd known she'd find Anya by his side. Memories of being called to the base and being told her sister's troop had been ambushed and running out blind with tears and being caught and sat down and shaken. Being told she'd have to pick up where Anya left off. Keep it together. 

No judgement of that left when she'd claimed her place as Commander and had led her warriors into the borderlands to reclaim what had been lost, she remembered that battlefield, she remembered it red with blood in the midday heat and her armour too tight for her breath and her sword too heavy for her shoulder and looking up and meeting Gustus' eye. She remembered him nodding at her. 

Lexa paced the length of the room, again, from the table in the corner past her throne where Anya had taken up her position on its left up the steps Gustus usually gave her a hand with, and she nearly stopped there to ask her whether she was okay because she hadn't moved a muscle since she'd stopped her chair there, and then she paced on towards the stairs by the far window like the last fifty times she'd done so. The guards by the door tailed her movements. Ontari behind Anya tailed her movements. She couldn't have cared less right then. Titus sitting on the sofa with his hands steepled hadn't said a word about it and that was good enough for her. 

The Ouskejon ambassador watched from their chair. She ignored them. If they wanted anything, they could ask for her attention. Representatives of different units spent differing amounts of time in the capital, Ouskejon amongst those that maxed it out, Sangeda and Azgeda generally among those who didn't show up unless politically necessary. Blame it on Enesi being paranoid. Then again, paranoia saved lives. God knew Lexa was paranoid herself. She knew that. Of course she knew that. Lexa paced back the other way, past two of her advisors waiting to be addressed, the Trishana ambassador, paused to remember why Trishana hadn't left yet and remembered she'd had scouts sent to Podakru to summon their ambassador because she couldn't have them bullying Delfi into turning on Ingranrona because that'd backfire onto Trishana who'd flagged it and she needed Trishana focussed on their new trading agreement with Yuljeda. Right. 

"Heda?" A guard let himself in while knocking, the entire room turned with her. "Em na kik thru [He will live] ." 

Thank Becca. Lexa raised her hands to her temples because otherwise her head would've dropped clean off her spine. Inside it, her predecessors settled. One of them dragged their fingers along the turmoil inside her, warning, knowing, knowing her thoughts. She nodded towards the door. 

"Em na kigon em gonplei [Will he still be able to fight] ?" she made sure. 

"Sha, Heda. Fisa fig raun em na trein op [The healers think he will heal completely] ." 

Good. She nodded again, let her hands drop one to her side, one onto her sword. And then she checked that Ontari's scowling hadn't twitched or changed so that she could rule her out. Part of her hated herself for feeling like she had to do that. 

"Mochof," she dismissed. 

Titus beckoned her over to him before she could start pacing again and she managed two steps towards him before the sight of his robes held her back. Something about it. Something about how the fabric fell around him sitting on the sofa, how it folded over the cushions where it didn't touch his body anymore, something about how the candlelight made it smooth and rich in colour, something about that strained horribly inside her head. Hard enough for the muscles in her neck to clench and clench until the twang of muscle cramps itched against her spine.