"Between friends, unspoken feelings can feel like a fragile thread pulled taut; one denies its existence while the other hides behind its delicate weave, both yearning for the courage to unravel what lies beneath."
Ian and Julian, long-time best fri...
"You looked me in the eyes for a little too long to "not have any feelings for me"
- Ian★
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I was standing there with my back to the door, my heart in my throat. What the hell was I doing? What did I do? How did this happen?
Standing here, trembling and lost, feeling like I was going to throw up. Regret was flowing through me like a nasty toxin. The taste of the kiss still lingered on my lips, and it had left a trail of turmoils in its wake.
I wasn't drunk this time, so what exactly had been the excuse. I can't think of anything. Fuck.
I slid further down the door and covered my face with my hands, I don't know what to say, I'm so overwhelmed with emotion that I can't even put it into words. My confusion mixed with a sour taste in my mouth as I tried to comprehend what I had just done. What had I done? Had my anger and frustration gotten me to this point? Or had I gotten so caught up in trying to prove myself right that I had lost sight of the bigger picture?
What had I been thinking?
A few minutes back, I was all set to have a real, grown-up talk with Julian, you know, the kind where I'd assure the goofball that I'd be cool with his sexuality, whatever it might be. I was ready to tell him that our bond wouldn't change, not even if he got a thing for guys. But somehow, I got all wrapped up in the moment and lost track of that plan. I forgot about all that.
The words came out of my mouth like nails on a chalkboard. "Twink!" I blurted out. I used that derogatory term, hoping to provoke a reaction. I threw around those mean words, all in an attempt to drive my point home, to make him admit the truth. I needed to prove my point. I needed to get him to admit it. And then, in a moment of madness, I kissed him.
I must be mad. I am growing mad.
It was an unthinking, impulsive act that defied all reason. I fished for a response, some reaction, a validation of my gut feeling, my hypothesis, and my doubts, but all that came to me was a sense of emptiness. An utter bitter disappointment.
Why did I do this?
Why did I do it?
All week, even when I was persistently prodding Julian, a thought like that had never crossed my mind. Not even a fleeting notion about kissing the guy. There must have been some kind of explanation.
When our lips met for that brief, fleeting moment, it wasn't what you'd see in the movies or read in books. It wasn't like the world faded away and only the pleasure of that connection remained. No it was nothing like that. It was consciously wet and soft. The feeling that came next overruled the consciousness. It was like a cold rush of water mixed with a rush of ecstasy that took over my mind and body and made me forget all else.
