Random BakuDeku Au's

¡NOT AN UPDATE JUST A GOOFY VENT!

I hate living, the only good ppl in my life are my friends, j, A, M, and C, they're the main ppl I hang out with, and to be honest, it's them, my brother, and my uncle that are the only reason I am alive. I wanna kill myself so bad, it's not really like anyone would miss me though, I am absolutely worthless, and I have no purpose in life. I am a horrible shitty person. I deserve everything bad in my life. My friends, they're pretty, and then there's just me, the ugly one in the group, I wish I was pretty like them. But I'm not, I look so ugly, my stupid frizzy hair, and my bangs. I still wear my mask too, not because I'm afraid of getting sick, but it's because I'm so insecure of how I look without it. And honestly, everyones life's would be better if I wasn't there. Sometimes it feels like my friends get annoyed of me, maybe they do, maybe they don't. But it can seem that way. Not to mention, those 4 friends are skinny, they're not fat and chubby like I am. And they don't weigh much, I do. I'm 154 fucking pounds, yes its normal for my height of 5ft 6, but still, I'm so heavy. But I guess I deserve it all, maybe I would've been happy, If I never pushed him away. I am so stupid. If I had kept my mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe I would be happy. And maybe I would have a father. It's funny, I'm fatherless cause I chose to be. I was the one who told the police, I was the one to tell on him. Was I being dramatic? My whole life, or the 9 years I had with my dad, most weren't good, probably because he didn't love me. Well he did, he just didn't love me the way dad's are supposed to love their little girls. But the one he did love was her, my half sister, she was beautiful, and smart. Not like how I was. My dad loved her. She was perfect, she had a high value, but me. Oh me, I was an ugly little girl, a worthless one. I thought it was normal, being left out, making drawings, picking flowers for him, and him not giving a shit. Why would he though? Almost all my whole life I was ignored by him. I saw how he hated me, and only used me for his lust. But my sister, I saw how he adored her, how he loved her. They spent a lot of time together. Was it me? Was I the problem? I only wanted your love father, it's all I've ever wanted. I never knew it was wrong. When the first time happened, I remember half or less. When I was 5 or 6, I slept in your bed, (my parents had separate rooms) when you walked in the room, you closed the door, you walked up to me, you got on top of me, you kissed me, over and over on my lips, you pulled the blanket over us, I heard the unzipping of your pants, and I felt something hard, you grinded on me, as you kissed me. I remember nothing else, but, really? You were horny? I thought it was normal, and I didn't know this was wrong, the most disgusting thing is, I liked the feeling of grinding, and I didn't know it was wrong, I thought it was normal, I liked the feeling, but I hated him doing it, but like I said, I thought it was normal. He made me believe it. I allowed it, this was the love I wanted right? You would make out with me, and then there was this game you made me play once. You sat me on your lap, and, you made me play rock paper scissors, at the time I knew it was wrong, when u won you could kiss me, the only way out was If I played, but you kept wining, and you made that game so you could make out with me. You would put your hands under my shirt, and touch my back, and stomach, groping it, everywhere on my body really, except my boobs and private part. Then going back into the past, when I was 6 or 7 I was laying on the couch, you put the blankets over us, and again, grinded, and made out with me. I remember the feeling. I don't remember the rest. Then went by around 3-2 years, and I thought you stopped doing that. So I continued to be around you, despite you making out with me and such, I allowed it. I wanted your love. Not this type, but any at this point. I wanted you to love me so bad I let you do these things to my body father. And yet despite it, you loved her more. It was ALWAYS HER, NO ONE ELSE, ONLY HER, NOT ME, HER, you loved her, and I was just your play thing. Then that day, if only I hadn't gone, I got in the pool, then showered I still remember what happened before. I was struggling to put my bra on, when my siblings ushered me out, I put my bra on and left. If. If I had just stayed in the living room. But no, I am such a fucking idiot, I went to your room, and I layed, I said my brother probably weighed more than you, when you said you weighed more, than got on top of me, you grinded, and began to kiss my lips and neck, lustfully, I was 9. 9 dad. I closed my legs and closed them tight, I felt disgusting, liking the feeling, I was panicking, I liked the feeling but, it was my body's reaction I remember I practically yelled out

Me:"V-voy a ver lo que está haciendo (sister's name)!" (I-i I'm going to see what (sister's name) is doing!)

You got off, I ran out, I closed the door and leaned on the door. I knew he would of wanted to go all the way. I almost just lost my virginity to my father, at 9. But then again, I may have lost it sooner, and I just can't remember. And I'm glad I don't remember. But, you, I hate you dad. But I miss you. I miss you, the version of you when we had good moments. Not moments like these. No, I hated these moments. But maybe, maybe if as soon as you dropped me off at moms house, maybe I I hadn't told her, I would still be with my sister. Maybe you would have changed for the better. But no, I told her, then went the police. But maybe I was just overreacting? No, I don't know. This all of this happened years ago 4-5. But still. It remains in my brain. Then after all of this I believed my life would get better. I mean, my mom helped me. She was my savior, she was the best! And so hardworking! I love my mom. Or I did. I still love her, just not as much, she changed, she became aggressive. I cannot recognize you sometimes. You can say the most horrible things to me. I mean, you made me so insecure, I got an ED because of you. You made me believe nothing I do is ever good. I thought I was useless and worthless, I am but the point is I feel this way because of her. You make me feel like grades define who I am. I began cutting on my right arm because of YOU. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TURNED ME LIKE THIS! I've tried killing myself! I've hurt myself! I've made myself thrown up my food, wanting hoping I would get skinny! I am the monster I am because of YOU. My horrible anger issues, I am you! But I don't want to be! You make me cry, and feel as if no one cares for me, not even you, YOUR MY MOTHER! YOUR SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LOVED! LIKE I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY! AND MAKE ME LOVE MYSELF! you, you were never there for me mentally! You weren't there comforting me. I remember, a pair of boots you bought, they didn't fit, you bought them knowing you couldn't return it and I wasn't there to see if it would fit. I remember how you screamed at me, that I was a brat, and just so ungrateful. I remember running and crying upstairs, I unmuted from my call, and told my friend I was back, she knew there was something wrong with me, I cried, so loud, and my window was open, my 4 and 5 yr old neighbors yelling if I was ok, not my own my mother. You have never comforted me. I was the one picking myself up, telling my self I was ok, and fine. Not you. Not my "mother" it was me. My brother raised me. Not you, or my shitty dad. My uncle and brother, they were there. Not you. Not mentally atleast. I mean you would think that single your so overprotective and never let me breathe, your always behind me, you would think you would know there's something wrong with me. But you didn't know. Not at all mom. I wish you would leave me alone. All you do is make me feel worthless and cry all the time. So let me walk home alone, let me breathe, stop always watching me. I just want to live my life, and sometimes that means without you. I need privacy, funny thing, I joined clubs and stayed after school so no one would see me walk home with you, or so I could avoid being home with you. I remember trying to kill myself. Happy I would be without you. Without the stupid pain. But I stopped for 1 reason. For my brother and uncle. I couldn't leave them with you. Because although brothers your perfect child and you love him, if I leave, he'll become the next me. And I don't want that for him. So I'll let you use me, and take your anger out on me. Just so you brother, never have to be in my place. I don't have a dad, and it feels like I don't have a mom. The closest things I have to a mother figure is my friend F, or for father figure my uncle. They are awesome. One of my reasons why I stay. I want a mom, and a dad. Who love me. The right way. Who wipe my tears and hug me, telling me it will be alright. But I don't have those people. The 2 people I most loved. You both have failed me, you are a horrible mother and father. My friends are also amazing. J, she's funny, and always listens to my dumb stories. M, shes nice, and funny, I can get along and feel like I can be most real with her. A, he's nice. He seems a little gay, but still he's cute (I don't like him btw-) he sees me as his mother figure, and I see him like my kid, he's also nice, his drawing are good, I can laugh and joke with him, at ease, and I'm an easy ass flincher, but I mostly don't flinch at him. My brother, he is so kind, he has a heart of gold. My uncle, also heart of gold, and he makes me feel loved, the right way. These people, my main source of living, I could not imagine life without them. So I thank them. But, not like anyone's gonna read this. I've been thinking about killing myself on May 3rd, father's birthday. Maybe I will maybe I won't. Let's see if therapy works, if you've read this far thanks, and weirdly enough, I'm going to make a ch, so I can cringe at it and hopefully feel better. Thanks for reading if you have :)