The Mendacity of Winnie Hart

Chapter Twenty-Two

I had decided over the next couple of days that I would try to not let what Eli said affect me. He hadn't tried to speak to me again, and I was looking forward to a weekend where I wouldn't have to see him or anyone else at this school for two days. Maybe even more, if I decided to stay home.

Running away from your problems was never a good answer, but it was something I had grown used to. You can adapt to anything with enough repetition. Studies have been proving that for years. But I didn't need a study to tell me how intelligent the decisions I was making for myself were. I already knew my mental health had been in a slow decline ever since. Staying in denial helped, but when I was alone, with my thoughts, and no other sound, it was easy to remember.

That was why deciding to forget everything Eli said was going to be good. If I faced my problem head on, and thought about it, I knew about the probability of another panic attack.

I knew how to deal with them, but that didn't make it easier once it was already coursing through your mind and body.

Mrs. Murillo had taught me to deal with them. I hadn't thought of her in weeks, maybe months. Her office always felt cold, like I was being sent there for a crime and I was paying the consequence.The chairs were always uncomfortable, and the room seemed cloudy and overcast despite being inside. It was always grey. That was how I remembered it. She would tell me my memories often betrayed me.

Mrs. Murillo herself wasn't a bad person, I don't think. She tried to help. Everyone tried to help.

But trying to help and helping, are not the same thing.

I harshly scribbled out the doodle I was making on my notebook as these thoughts flowed through my head. The ink smeared into a big black mess that smudged onto my hand.

The clock ticked by slowly, the hours of the school day dwindling down at its leisure. It was only the first period. I had six more periods to sit through. Wren wasn't here, but she would be here later.

I was trying to decide if I would be, or if I would just leave at some point in the day. I wasn't a stranger to coming in late, but I rarely left early. It was harder to do. If you got caught you get thrown in detention. That was just more time spent in school as a result of wanting to leave it. They certainly had that punishment down to a T.

"Hey, earth to Winnie!"

I looked up with somber eyes.

"Oh, hey Ash. Wren isn't here today," I said, already predicting the question.

He gazed at the empty chair next to me, but sat down in it anyway. I noticed he hadn't brought anything with him. "Where is she?"

I leaned my chin onto my hand and looked back down at my mess of paper. "I don't remember. The doctor, or something. Maybe the dentist."

Ash looked at me up and down, opened his mouth, and then closed it again. There was something he didn't want to say, and I didn't care whether he did or didn't. After a few seconds, he asked anyway. "Are you good? You seem kind of, how do I put this... raggedy."

Knowing Ash, he didn't mean it as an insult, but it felt that way. I pushed that feeling aside, and gave him a tired smile. "I'm fine."

This always happened when I was left with myself too long. Too many thoughts and emotions. Memories resurfacing. The tiredness of my body catching up to me. I still wasn't able to sleep as well as that night I had with Noah.

"Well, alright then." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, but kept the smile on his face. "Dang, I'm missing a quiz right now to be here. I thought Calliope would be here for me to annoy, but I just feel bad annoying you. You always seem like you got enough on your mind. You know that one statue, the thinker? With the guy propping up his chin with his fist? The one that comes alive in Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian? With Amy Adams? One of the best movies ever made? You remind me of him. Always something on your mind. The only question is, what is always on your mind?"