Feel Nothing, Lincoln

1

She was crying, and I was not.

       Whether it was a miscommunication between my brain and my heart, or something blocking all emotional feeling: I just didn't feel sad. She had to wipe her tears away between some words. Her voice would crack and she would stop to collect herself. I was just uncomfortable watching her be so sensitive and vulnerable. She was pouring her heart out to me, and I just couldn't reciprocate it. "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like you love me" she says. So I admitted it—the fact that no matter what, I just couldn't feel. I thought she was perfect. We were similar on so many levels, it almost felt like she was created for me. However, the emotions weren't there. Previously, I thought to myself, "Why don't I feel anything for her?" I hugged a pillow with her image in mind, but no butterflies decided to flutter. No sparkles twinkled and no fireworks exploded. I only felt even more hollow. Every moment in my life just feels like waiting. For death? I don't think so. Actually, I don't think I'm waiting for anything. I think I'm just waiting to keep waiting.

       Ronnie Anne, the girl breaking up with me, said goodbye and I did as well. We dated for five weeks. Maybe I'll feel sad tomorrow. Hopefully I'll feel something. Anything from regret to anger to sadness... I just need to feel something to know I'm still human. I feel like a psychopath. Here's a hell of a thing to mention: I used to have terrible social anxiety, but after this emptiness seeded in me, it disappeared. That's how *nothing* it gets. I can make my friends laugh, but they can't return the favor. I don't laugh and I don't cry. What can I do, you might ask? Well, I can take a nap, or I can think about whatever comes to mind. Now that my girlfriend has broken up with me, I don't really have anyone to make laugh, so that hobby is gone. Perhaps I'm depressed, but I thought depression began with sadness; began with regret; began with hopelessness. I feel nothing.

I'm Lincoln "Feel Nothing" Loud.