A diary? Something about me?

Oh, him... He drives me mad <3

I seldom talk about Christopher Pierre in my conversations. I'll just say that I like him, or that I drew him, or something like that.

I think about him a lot more than I tell other people I do. 

This is because of one reason: People would think I'm weird if I did. People would think I'm a little too obsessed. 

And there's a chance that I am, but people (the people I know in real life, not online) would take that the wrong way. 

I don't just like Christopher as a fictional character, I love him as a person. I'm completely and fully aware of how he canonically is cruel and harmful with the things he says and does.

That's exactly what I've fallen in love with. 

This developed purely from listening to the song too much. Far too much. 

I can't even hear YOHIOloid anymore in the song, all I hear is Christopher. One part of the song sticks out to me so much, it might as well have stabbed me. In that part, all I can hear is Christopher. All I can see is Christopher. If I tried hard enough, I could probably taste him. (Why would I want to? oh, but why wouldn't I want to? What an absurd question you're asking me!)

A few months ago, I was at a point in this love for him where I wanted him to hurt me. When I'd beg to the air or to a drawing of him I made for him to hurt me, or even possibly take my life. I wasn't even suicidal during that time, I just loved him so much I wanted him to do anything to me, and I knew what kind of person he was, and 'appropriately' came up with something for him to do to me. 

The song doesn't romanticize an abusive relationship or anything like that, it simply shows an abusive relationship from the side of the abuser. In fact, the song doesn't necessarily represent a relationship at all! It's just about a man whose reactions to his reflection are often cruel and overexaggerated!

As of right now, I'd be fine with him hurting or killing me, but I don't want him to do that as desperately as I once did.

But, as I've said in one of my conversations, I often feel the aftereffects of something before I've even reached the peak of that something.

As a result, if I ever think that I do want him to hurt me, even if only just for a little, I feel horribly guilty. 

Listening to The Distortionist fills me with dread, knowing how deeply I love him, knowing my desperation for his presence. But he also makes me feel so wonderful, just knowing that he cares about me enough to say such cruel things to me. 

All these horrible wonderful dreadful heavenly feelings, and yet I listen to the song a billion times a day. 

He feels so wonderful to me, I can't not love him as deeply as I do. So wonderful and so harmful. 

<3