A diary? Something about me?

10/7/23

I saw them again at the library today.

I explained myself a little more.

I also realized something.

I assumed that because I told a couple of people about how I felt and they didn't react harshly at all, I was overreacting about how I felt, and I wasn't actually even suffering at all, I was just overreacting about everything.

But then, I noticed that they were intentionally avoiding me online. That because I feel safer being as obsessive and clingy as I am online than in person, they don't feel safe around me.

I explained how I felt a little further, I asked them to unblock me, then again, and again, and AGAIN. I promised that I wouldn't be too much. 

I think I was being too much by that alone. 

I asked them if I'm a toxic person, and they said "I know you don't mean to be, but, yeah a little"

So, I'm not just overreacting and this IS a serious problem.

But I didn't quite realize it until later when I got out of the shower an hour after I left the library. 

As we were leaving, I asked to take a picture with them 

Y'know, so I would never be able to forget what they looked like. 

Or maybe that's just the lie I'm telling myself.

Anyway, we took a picture together with my phone that I was holding. I took two. 

And I asked to take a picture of them, just them, only them in the picture.

They said no.

They said it was okay, and no they don't want me to take a picture of them.

What did my obsessive mind riddled with holes caused by eaten-away morals and common sense do?

I took a picture of them. 

They don't need to know.

I took a picture of them as they said they didn't want me to.

I took three.

Then, I waited for them to come down the stairs, as I had already come down about a minute before they did. 

Then I took another picture.

On the car ride home, I cropped the picture of them on the stairs so that it'd be only them in the picture and not the other two that came down with them.

I didn't quite see what was wrong with what I did, even as my mother told me I was acting like a crazy stalker. 

I didn't see what was wrong with what I did, in fact, I felt wonderful. 

I still do.

I felt like I did the greatest thing I could've possibly done. 

Only when I got out of the shower three hours ago did I realize that I went against what they told me they didn't want.

I realized that what I did was actually bad.

But I don't feel bad. I still feel like I did the greatest thing, I still feel wonderful about what I did, I mean, it's just a few pictures. They might as well have said that I couldn't look at them the entire time I was there.

So, I guess there might actually be something wrong with me.

And I honestly don't care.