Sweet Girl

I Never Thought It Could

She pushed her face into her palms. She had never conceived that she would be barren. She'd imagined herself on stage, with a child on her hip, swinging her around as she strutted past the waves of faces cheering her, their screams blurred by the tender extra weight on her left side. Deafened by the sight of her baby, she absently pranced in circles, holding her faceless daughter's hand. Until a beam of light hissed through her fingers and the weight of the child was gone.

"It's not good, is it?" she dragged her eyes up toward the voice.

Lindsey sorrowfully traipsed over, his shoes catching squeaks on the Marmoleum floor. He pulled her into his arms, rubbing the side of her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't get here in time"

She fanned his apology away.

"You didn't miss much, it was very quick" she retorted, her lisp muffled by Lindsey's t-shirt.

"Can you tell me what he said?"

She let out several syllables of a breath as she sat down opposite the Doctor. She knew the news would be bad. She knew it when the nurse had folded her lips into her mouth as she searched for a foetus, three weeks prior. And this would be no different.

"I-"

Lindsey searched her eyes

"I don't quite remember...

All I know is I can't have children" her voice faded into a whisper.

Lindsey took her once again and held her, upon the leather and wooden chairs they'd become familiar with over the last year. They sat in silence until they were kindly asked to leave.

"It's just not how I pictured it, that's all." Lindsey sighed in contempt and stormed out of the living area. Stevie sat for a while, struggling to process what she had just heard. She was bewildered by Lindsey's immaturity but not exactly surprised. Any she did feel was the disappointing surprise that Lindsey had regressed back to his arrogance that characterised their arguments during the end of Rumours.

She had crept into the music lounge, walls adorned with guitars and sheets of music clinging onto the precipice of the grand piano. She watched his fingers tickling the strings of his Les Paul, the sound quietly reverberating around the chairs and swimming around them both. He found Stevie watching him with her body tilted against the doorframe. His fingers carried on treading through the tune of Big Love as they stared at each other in what was their first peaceful interaction since they got the news.

Stevie crept over, bare feet climbing through the rug, holding the tassels on her sheer black robe. She sat on the piano stool and watched him. She watched him play several of her favourite songs, mustering up the confidence to speak to Lindsey about adoption. She observed the strings being plucked about, making a symphony from another being's intentions -sometimes things outside of our control lead us to the beauty we find in life. The quote floated around her brain for a while before it became loud enough to let her speak to Lindsey.

"Linds..."

He jolted upright.

"I really want a baby."

"I do too, Steph. Do you wanna try again?"

She shook her head and swallowed her tears.

"I've been thinking. There might be a higher reason why we can't have a baby."

Lindsey looked puzzled.

"Maybe," she whispered shyly,

"There's a little baby out there who needs a home. Who needs a mommy and a daddy to give it all the love in the world..."

Lindsey set down his guitar. He knew he had to be careful about how he trod around this subject.

"Stevie, I want a child." He began.

Her eyes fell.

"I want a child, more than anything. And I know how badly you want this. But I just feel that were we to adopt, and please don't resent me for saying this, a little part of me, whenever I looked at that child would feel sad that one day I would have to break the news to them that they're not mine."

Stevie opened her mouth but was quietened by Lindsey gently placing his hand on hers.

"I don't think I would have the heart to lie and pretend that 'mommy carried you in her belly' and suddenly announce that they're an orphan, they spent the first weeks of their life in a crack den. and I mean who's to say, maybe the kid will have problems that we can't solve! And we're supposed to be the parents."

"I can't believe you would say that."

Lindsey shook his head.

"Lindsey. Lindsey, when you raise a child, you don't know who they will be, you keep secrets, and at times, you don't know everything about them-"

"Oh, and you know this, how?"

She watched the regret fill him as her eyebrows fell upon her eyelids.

"I'm sorry." She couldn't reply with her lips so she held her hand up and shook her head.

"It's just not how I pictured it, that's all..."

Stevie had curled up on their bed, staring out the window.

"I'm sorry, darling" A voice shattered through her daydream.

"Don't. Don't pretend like you know this is your fault. I can't bear to feel the weight of explaining why your words hurt after you apologise."

Lindsey walked towards her and sat on the edge of the bed.

"We both knew this wouldn't happen for us, and we did it anyway. We wasted money, and we wasted time we could have spent on finding a child who needs a home. But we wasted that time because that won't happen. Us having a child. I never thought it could."

"Stevie..." Lindsey uttered sorrowfully.

"It would be too painful to tell a child that we're not their real parents? How do you think it feels to have no parents?" She sat up.

"I know-"

"Do you? Because I don't, apparently."

She breathed.

"Look,

If what matters most to you is having a baby with me, then we should at least CONSIDER all those babies who need a mom and a dad. And I KNOW," she touched his chest.

"I know, you'll make a great Daddy to our baby. Whether that baby is 'ours' or not, who gives a fuck? Because right now, there are hundreds of kids who have been those babies who nobody wanted. And now it's too late. So what are you gonna choose? Step up and be a FATHER, Lindsey."

Bewildered, he looked at her. His face flushed and his eyes grew heavy as they tried to contain the tears that had suddenly welled inside them.

"Let's give a baby a home, darling." He said, saddened, taking her head in his hand.