When she was mine

Where are you

It's been roughly two years since I gave birth to Lyra. The thought of that night keeps me up, the idea of Edward and I raising Asriel's child, well the thought made me sick. I'm actually glad Edward was killed that night.

One night I woke up in a cold sweat, this hasn't happened since the night I had Lyra. I had yet another dream about her, that little girl finding me and begging me to take her in as her life is horrible at Jordan college.

My daemon just stares at me, he's thinking of something, but I ignore him and his constant thoughts of Lyra.

I carried on with my life, I became more involved at the Magisterium. I still get the odd, weird look being the only woman willingly wanting to outsmart the men and climb the impossible ladder this world has built for women.

The dreams started again about Lyra finding me and begging me to take her. I took this as God wanting me to look for my child, the one I didn't want two years ago.

I sent out people to look for her, they'd turn up empty handed. I wrote to the master of Jordan to enquire about my child.

Weeks passed and I hadn't heard anything, so I just assumed Asriel said something and Dr Carne ignored my letter.

I soon got over the thought of finding Lyra, till one day I was sitting at my desk in my flat and one of my servants enters with a note. I ignored the note and continued with my work as I was on the brink of perfecting a machine I was designing.

"Ma'am, I think you should read that note, it says urgent" one servant said to me

I just shook my hand to shoo them away

My daemon jumped on my desk to observe the note. Just as he was about to pick it up, I yanked him off the desk and gave him a stern look. The imbecile coward to the corner of the room holding his arm.

"OH, GET OVER IT" I yelled at him

Just as I finished my research on the separator machine my team and I are planning for up north, that note caught my attention again.

Marisa,

Thank you for your letter. I regret to inform you that Lyra passed away about one year ago. We are still grieving her as we grew to love that little girl. I'm sorry if this information causes you any grief.

Dr Francis Carne
The Master of Jordan College

A wave of anger came over me. How can that little baby be dead? Why would I dream of a little girl who is beautiful like me and feral like her father. None of this makes sense.

A few months passed and I had no more dreams of Lyra finding me. My machine was up and running, separating all the children that haven't reached the age of puberty. The cardinal was finally seeing my worth and put me in charge of the facility and this program became my "baby"

On one of my first trips to Bolvanger I was excited to see my machine at work. When Dr Cooper showed me to the control room, I saw out of the corner of my eye one of the sisters escorting a little boy who could be either six or seven into one side of the machine and his daemon on the other side. Once both doors were closed, and the area was cleared Dr Cooper pulled the lever and pressed the button to activate the machine. In a split second the blade falls, a scream could be heard, and a cloud of dust could be seen rising from where the daemon was. Knowing full well this shouldn't happen as I designed this machine, I need to blame and question the operator... Dr Cooper.

"Was that meant to happen?" I said to Dr Cooper

She looked at me all shocked, "This has never happened before Mrs. Coulter" Dr Cooper looks over the control panel then over the sheet of paper that was placed on the side wall. "I did everything correctly" retracing her hand over the panel "The child should be conscious... not dead and the daemon should be the same.

I grit my teeth and put a fake smile on "Well, we don't have to tell the Magisterium about this. We just need to work out the teething issues and perfect it"

I could see Dr Cooper flinch thinking I was going to go off at her, then she straightened herself "I'm sorry Mrs. Coulter BUT I have to write this down, and IT will go to the Magisterium"

I am not one to address someone by their first name as its rude in my eyes but I'm going to ignore my one rule. "Jennifer, if you so happen to mention this to the Magisterium, I'll make sure to tell them that this small issue was entirely your fault, and it will be your head on the chopping block not mine"

Dr Coopers eye grew wide, no matter how harsh or small my threats were, no one ever dared to cross me. One of the perks of being a powerful woman.

"I'm going to retreat to my room. When you've worked out the issues, wake me and we shall try this again"

On my way back to my room, I decided to pass the girls dorm to see how many girls we had and compare it to boys. Peering through the little window on the door I could see some of the girls sitting on the ground chatting and some on the beds just staring off into the distance.

One little girl caught my eye. I thought I was seeing things at first, I had to do a double take. There was a little girl who I thought could pass as my child. Only thing is my Lyra is dead, I shake the thought and kept on walking to my room.

I wasn't woken up to retest the machine so I'm guessing the idiots couldn't figure the issue out.

Half the day passes to then realise I was meant to do a check on the boy's dorm. I wrap up what I was doing at my desk to realise they were doing yet another practice evacuation.

Once everyone returned to their dorms, I decided to make my way to see the boy's dorm. I noticed a few new faces coming in from the latest batch of children that were caught. There were two boys and four girls. These six kids were aged between seven and twelve.

My daemon decided to interact with the children's daemons which is something he's never done before except when Lyra was born, and he interacted with her daemon Pantalaimon. I let out a grunt and gave him a stern look and he came back to my side.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

The following day I returned to London to work on a few kinks the separation machine had since the scientists at Bolvanger have no clue what they are doing.

Travelling back to my flat, I noticed a few extra cars in front of the building. "What's going on" I thought to myself.

The driver muttered something, but I just ignored him.

Finally in my flat, it was quiet. Usually, I would hear the cook or footsteps from of the servants. Not letting the quietness bother me as I prefer it this way, I make my way to my room to change into my house clothes as these traveling clothes aren't very comfortable.

Just as I swung open my door, I noticed the fur on my daemon stood up and he let out a growl. I ignored him. Walking down the long hall heading to the kitchen to request some tea and to have it out on the terrace, I noticed a large figure sitting at the bench with a glass in hand.

"Carlo? What are you doing here?" I said through gritted teeth. He is the last person I wish to see right now.

"Marisa" he says as he stands, his snake daemon slivering down his arm that was getting close to mine.

"I assume all the cars are yours then?"

He shrugs.

"I'm a very rich man Marisa, I need the extra protection".

"You still haven't answered my question, Carlo. Why are you here?"

He takes a sip of his drink and places it on the bench. "Oh right. The reason I'm here is I know she's not dead".

"Who's not dead Carlo?" all these thoughts go running through my mind. I know he doesn't know I'm looking for Lyra... no one knows actually.
"I hope you don't mind, but I had a look around your office while I was waiting... you know for the Magisterium. Well, I saw the letter from the master at Jordan college, he lied to you Marisa".

"What do you mean he lied Carlo?"

I go to run at him "TELL ME!"

"Your daughter, she's alive Marisa".

I stumbled backwards "She's alive?"

Everything went black after that.