Our Beloved Summer | A TSITP Story

Chapter 30

I knew it was cruel to not tell anyone where I was going but I figured that Belly would be too busy with prepping for volleyball camp, and Steven would think I was just avoiding him from last night, and mom? I honestly wasn't sure she would notice my bed had been empty since early this morning.

I wasn't too selfish to take Stevens' car, because that's what it was, his car. It had been gifted to the two of us last year, but we both knew it was for him when he moved away to Princeton. If I ever made it to New York I would take the train or walk wherever I needed to go. There was no need for me to have a car, so why even bother acting like it was for me.

Once I finally made it to the bus station and held my ticket in my hands, all I could feel was remorse. The last bus ticket I had was from two months ago. My mother woke me up one morning with a ticket to Boston. To see Susannah.

My mother had been in Boston almost everyday for the last three months but she just so happened to have a business meeting on the day she bought me the ticket. It felt planned and conniving. I don't know how she expected me to handle seeing Susannah by myself. I didn't want to see her and I didn't feel bad about it either. I would have said anything to get out of going but my mother wouldn't let up, so I prevailed and went.

On the ride there, I made a list of things that I could say to her. I would lie about how my grades were still good, I would lie and say I was still hopeful about Juilliard, I would lie and say I was okay. I would tell her all of those things, and I would not ask about Conrad.

When I texted my mother that I made it to the bus station in Boston, she called me right away.

"I'm glad you decided to go, Dani." She said, sounding all sweet and soft. I made me really not like her. I didn't respond so she went on to say, "Don't worry, Conrad won't be there and Jeremiah is at football practice."

Still, I didn't answer her, I just stared in front of me with the phone to my ear. I was unjustifiably mad at her for making me come. Not that she cared. She kept right on talking. "I'm going to go ahead and warn you that she doesn't look good. She's tired. She's very tired, but she's excited to see you."

As soon as she said the words, "she doesn't look good," I closed my eyes. I hated myself for being afraid to see her, for not visiting more often. But I hadn't quite perfected the craft of being as strong as steel like my mother. Seeing Susannah like that, it was too hard. It felt like pieces of her, of who she used to be, crumbled away every time. Seeing her like that made it real.

"Okay, mom." Was all I could whisper. I wasn't ready for this, at all.

"I'll see you soon, sweetie. Bye bye." She said before ending the call. I could've stood there, idle, for hours. I didn't feel like moving my body an inch, but I figured I should get this day over with sooner rather than later.

When I made it to the Fishers front door, I was greeted by Nona, Susannah's chemo therapist. She was with Susannah during her first rounds of chemo. I suppose she did such a good job that she requested it back again. Nona was nice and fluffy, that's what Belly called her the first time we met her. I suppose all good nurses should be that way.

"Morning," Nona said, stepping to the side to let me in the house.

"Morning," I said back.

"Susannah's all dressed up and ready to see you in the sun room." She said, closing the door and walking away. I watched as she left me to my own devices. I didn't understand why people thought I could just do this by myself. I needed support too. I need someone to walk in that room with me, to hold my hand.

But no one was there behind me. So it was only me and Susannah, and she was waiting.

She was sitting on a hospital bed with the sunlight shining through the windows. For a second she looked like normal Susannah, all sunny and bright, but the more I looked at her, the more gray she became. She was wearing actual clothes and not her pajamas. She'd made an effort for me. So as not to scare me. So I pretended not to be scared.