Brokenness

Broken to healed

     Never did I think it would have gotten to this point. I loved. I loved more than I thought possible. I gave my all to them. They went and hurt me more than I thought they could. They did not love the parts of me that deserve to be loved. Made me feel ashamed to be the person I was. They made me second guess the parts of myself that I loved so much. They made promises and did not keep them. My light was dulled by the person that was supposed to see the best in me.

    I knew what I needed to do, but I felt like there was still a shot. I still felt this deep love for you and could not understand why it felt so wrong to do what was best for us both. We both were not happy for a long time. You said many times that you did not want to take the next step even though we had been together for years. Everyone around us knew we were not happy together. We simply stayed in the pain, but known comfort. In your arms I could fake it. Fake the relationship and put a mask on the pain. It was easier to stay than to give up on the time, the effort, and the comfort. Breaking down praying and crying that I get to keep you. That you would stay mine. I knew that you were not mine though. I needed to let go.

   You said the words "you need to try harder" even though I was giving you my all. You kept speaking but my mind went numb. I was hearing what you were saying, yet I was not. The anticipation of the words we need to break up was too much. Waiting. Waiting for the words. Waiting for all this to be over. Yet, wanting to go travel back in time to the good moments. The moments we laughed together. The moments I fell asleep in your arms. The long calls. The fun trips. The car rides. One last time to see the look of love and desire in your eyes when you looked at me. One last time to feel the warmth of your hug. The taste of your kiss. I would never get to experience these moments again though.

    I felt like my heart was pierced by a sword. Like there was a gaping hole. No matter how much I cried. No matter how much I tried to convince myself it was for the better. It happened. I lost the person I loved so much. Broken. This is what being broken feels like. Feels like a weight is on you. You cannot get up. You think about anything, the tears start to fall. Wanting to go back to the places we used to go just to try to experience the memories. The only thing that is real about you now is the pain you left me. If I do not have the pain then I have nothing left of you. The pain hurts but it is better than not having you at all.

   Keeping the mind occupied is difficult. When experiencing a heart break the mind wants to wonder to the person that your heart is breaking for. Trying to fill time with new friends, a new life, and a new self. Starting to learn to love myself without you there. Slowly moving through the grief of this break. Slowly letting go of the pain, the memories, and the love that I had for you. Letting these things be replaced by new memories, new love for friends/family and myself. Learning that it is okay to be alone and that it can be fun.

    Now the only thing I can say is thank you. Thank you for the years I got to have with you. Thank you for all the things we got to experience and for helping me grow as a person. You showed me to try new things and get out to experience the world. Thank you for also showing me the type of love I want to have in the future. I do not want a love that was anything like yours. I walk away with my lessons. The pain and experience has created a new person. I had to say goodbye to the innocent version of me that thought if I loved enough that would make everything work out.

   Happiness and peace I have learned are too very different things. Happiness comes and goes with the events of life. Peace is something that can be experienced even in the darkest of moments. I have reclaimed what was mine. The one love of my life that is unconditional. I have peace that makes no sense now. I have healed. I loved, but that love was not my life. That love was not the truest of loves. I have that love now. I thank God for the peace I have every day even though my happiness will come and go. I have all that I need.