Blue Scarf

7.

"I don't want to be with you anymore." 8 words that will haunt me forever.

I walked out of the room without looking back, leaving a piece of me behind with each step for her to keep. But then again... I was already hers to begin with. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I realized it. We just sort of happened to each other and suddenly everything started to make sense. Well... everything and nothing. I've never had something so certain yet so fragile in my life. Something so inevitable yet maddeningly unpredictable.

I don't know how I got home, I just did. Polina was asking me something, but none of her words registered in my consciousness. "Valera?"
"Sorry. I just... I have a lot on my mind right now." I didn't, actually. I could only think about Vasilisa, but I couldn't tell Polina that. It wasn't that I was keeping secrets from her, I would never. A relationship without honesty couldn't be called that. I just didn't want to hurt her. I loved her... in a way. She knew that. She said she was willing to try.

"I asked if you still wanted to go to the Pharaoh exhibition tonight."
"Oh yeah, right. Okay, let's do that." She gave me a concerned look and asked, "Are you sure? You don't seem too-"
"I'm fine." I cut in and stood up from the floor where I've been sitting beside her for the past hour or so. She looked up at me. "There's no use in lying to me. I..." She paused, then bit down on her lower lip, contemplating bringing up the topic I was hoping to avoid. We didn't really talk about Vasilisa and I, for obvious reasons. "Are you sure... this... are you sure you didn't make a mistake?" I was surprised by her bluntness. She was usually very careful about how she phrased things. I supposed it only showed the severity of the whole situation. "I... maybe." I avoided looking into her eyes, letting my gaze wonder around my room instead. Big mistake. Vasilisa was imprinted on every surface. Well, to me at least. The pictures of us hung up on the wall, the pencils she used when she came over to study together, her favourite pillow to sit on... I was going to have to get rid of all of it. All of her lingering pieces. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be strong enough do to that. The pressure behind my eyes was starting to get unbearable, as I looked at Polina again. She was still sitting on the ground. She looked so sad. "Let's just go. We can talk about this later." I said extending my hand to her.

"Would you like to be my plus one?" Vasilisa got me Pharaoh tickets for my birthday. As if she wasn't enough of a present already... "You don't have to take me. You can go with Denis or I don't know... your mom...?" She giggled. "I want you there with me." I said taking a step closer, coaxing a shy smile out of her. "I'd love to go with you."
"I'm glad." I said and planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

"Valera?" Polina's voice snapped me back to reality. I was staring at a blank wall. "Sorry." I said turning back to her. I took her hand and we continued our tour of the exhibition in honor of Pharaoh's new album. It was amazing, but I couldn't shake off the feeling of missing something... someone.

I couldn't do anything without thinking about Vasilisa. Other things I couldn't do at all. I've lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't... I couldn't skate. The rink was supposed to be a last sanctuary, but every minute I've spent there felt like torture. I kept falling on my ass, my edges were off, and my twizzles were a mess. It was just another reminder of all the things I've lost.

I was in no mood for try outs, I hated how it felt to skate with someone other than Vasilisa, but coach Zhulin wanted me back in the game as soon as possible and I was in no position to say no. I couldn't say no to anything. That's how I ended up going to the test skates.

"I'll be back in a minute, I just want to say hi to Sofya." Polina said and disappeared into the crowd. I took out my phone to check the time. We had 10 minutes left to find our seats. I fished out our tickets from my pocket to determine in which direction to go, and it just hit me. I couldn't have explained why, but I just knew she was there. Vasilisa. I fought the urge to look up, but I couldn't resist. We locked eyes for the first time in weeks and the world just stopped. Well at least until, "Come on, show's about to start." That's when I saw she wasn't alone. I watched Dario take her hand and lead her away. I thought I was unable to feel anything anymore, but I hated the sight of her hand in his with a burning passion.