She Called Herself Su

3♡

It had been a month since Su came out and Jiseok was jealous. He didn't really know why, but seeing her so happy as herself made him feel so uncomfortable. Each time they saw her, she looked slightly more feminine. She had started stealing pieces of jeweley and hairclips from her sister, and while they didn't do much, they did give her a slightly more female feel.

After a week of almost sleepless nights, Jiseok had had enough. He texted Su at almost 4 am asking - well, it was more like begging, but his tired mind hadn't quite registered that - how the hell she was able to figure herself out. It was a very vague message, one that made him feel kind of embarrassed when he woke up.

Su had already replied. She hadn't asked for any context, just sending a message inviting him over to her house that day. He reluctantly agreed, and that was how he found himself standing outside her house. His hands trembled as he tried to will himself to knock on the door.

His nerves were overwhelming, majority of his mind screaming at him to turn around and go home. Instead, he pulled out his phone and sent a message to Su to tell her he was there.

The door clicked open a moment later, swinging to reveal Su. She looked soft in the oversized hoodie and track pants she was wearing and it made Jiseok feel a bit better. Just seeing her was comforting.

"Hey," Su stepped aside to let him in.

"Hi, noona," Jiseok replied as he slipped off his shoes.

Her eyes widened. "O-oh, thanks Jiseok, but it's still 'hyung' at home," she whispered at him, eyes darting around the hall in the hopes no one heard.

Jiseok stood up, blush colouring his cheeks. "Sorry h-hyung, I forgot about that." He choked slightly on the honorific, the word feeling unnatural even after only a month of using 'noona'.

"It's okay," Su laughed nervously, scratching the back of her neck. Her hair had been growing out lately, and now it was almost reaching her shoulders. "Let's go to my room."

As Jiseok followed Su up the stairs, her mother, Mrs Kim called out to him. "Hello, Jiseok!"

"Hi, Mrs Kim. Thank you for letting me come over," he called back before disappearing into the girl's bedroom.

Once the door was closed, Jiseok's nerves came back full force. Su was sitting on her bed, legs crossed and a smiling softly at him. Her room had three cream walls, one soft purple wall, and a pair of floral curtains. Her sister had redone her room a while ago, and Su insisted the curtains, pillows, and blankets she was planning on throwing away were still in great condition. She redecorated her own room using them, pretending to just be recycling.

His heart was beating out of his chest as he lowered himself onto the edge of her bed. "Jiseok," she started. Her voice was low in a way that made him feel slightly calmer. "What did you mean when you said I figured myself out?"

It made him feel slightly better that she hadn't started with a question about him. He wasn't even sure why. But even then, the question she had asked was more complicated then he felt he could answer. Instead he just fell back on her bed and stared at the ceiling. There were small glow in the dark stars stuck there. He traced the lines between them with his eyes, making his own constellations. "I don't know."

Su repositioned so she was lying beside him. Reaching an arm out, she elbowed him gently. "Yes you do." It was a statement. A chill ran down Jiseok's spine as he realised she knew what he meant. That was something even he didn't know himself, and he felt strange about her already knowing.

Pushing down his nerves, Jiseok decided to change the subject. It wasn't a big change, but it was something. "How long did it take you exactly to realise and accept you were a girl?"

She sighed, obviously not overjoyed with the change, but she let it go. "I knew my whole life, though it took a bit of time once I had heard the word 'transgender' to apply it to myself. A small part of me thought I would grow out of it. Or, rather, hoped I would. Because it's hard, and scary, and so overwhelming at first."

"Does everyone know they're trans their whole life?" The whispered question fell from his lips before he could even process what he was saying. His blush dyed his cheeks brightly, but he pushed past the nervousness.

Su took her time answering, letting herself find the right words. "No. While lots of people know, or at least have an idea, when they're young, there are so many who don't. Maybe you don't figure it out until puberty, or until you become an adult, or even until you start growing grey hairs. There's no set time for it." Her voice fell into a whisper, "you aren't a guy, are you?"

Jiseok turned his head to find her already looking at him. It felt like she could see him, and he wasn't sure how he felt about it, but no matter how overwhelming it felt, he couldn't look away. "I... I don't know..."

The smallest smile curled onto her lips, her eyes filling with warmth. It was easy to tell Su understood his feelings completely. "Would it help at all if I called you using she/her pronouns to test?"

"Maybe," Jiseok exhaled. It was always so simple with Su.

"How is this," she tried. "I am here hanging out with Jiseok. She's one of my best friends in the world. She's skilled at writing lyrics, singing, and even amazing at guitar. She enjoys lots of kinds of music, including Nirvana and Foo Fighters. One of her favourites is Van Halen. I am really glad she's in my life."

Jiseok's mind was screaming. It didn't feel wrong and it was confusing him... her? She pushed her palms against her face and screamed softly. It was overwhelming and perfect at the same time?

A hand rubbed softly against her arm. "Too much?" Su asked slowly, eyes shining with concern.

"Yes," Jiseok replied, her hands falling back to her sides. "And no? I don't know. I... prefer it to he/him... I think? I'm not sure. I think my brain has already started calling me with she/her though," she chuckled breathlessly.

"What about this," Su suggested. "I am hanging out with Jiseok. They are a really good friend of mine and an amazing musician. I am really privileged to know them. They are so sweet and kind to not only me but all of her friends."

It felt like Jiseok's brain was short circuiting. It felt so much more comfortable. He/him felt normal in a slightly uncomfortable way. She/her was better. But they/them felt perfect. Their breath came out shaky as they let is all wash over them.

A hand against their shoulder pulled them back to reality. "Hey, you alright?" Su was smiling, a kind of happiness glowing in her eyes.

"Yeah," Jiseok froze for a second, before rolling over and pulling her into a tight hug. "I think I am. Thank you. I think they/them is perfect. I think it's me."

Su laughed softly. Gently. "I'm glad I could help." She pulled back to look in his eyes. "Please take your time with this, though. I know how exciting it can be when you realise it, but take a few days to sit with this."

Jiseok was nodding before Su had even finished. "Yes, of course! I understand. They/them feels perfect now, but in a week it may feel different."

"I'm proud of you, Jiseokie! You seemed so scared when you arrived, I'm happy you're more comfortable now." She sat up, tugging the other with her. "Okay, but let's talk about something lighter now. If you want to ask me anything else, feel free to! Right now, let's just hang out for a bit.

Jiseok felt himself relax. This went so much better than they had expected. Tonight was going to be difficult, they were sure they wouldn't sleep, too busy thinking about the day. But now they felt comfortable. In that moment, they could let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "Hey, I bet I can survive longer than you in minecraft!"

Su gasped melodramatically. "You're on!"

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after this im going to watch the final episode of a2k!! it comes out in about 20 minutesss

i have been watching a2k since ep 2 and am definitely gonna stan them when they debut!!

hope you enjoyed this chapterrr <3