The Love You Want

5.

I did end up seeing the others that evening, but not exactly how I had expected to. I had invited everyone to the group chat, which still included Hanuel, and I listened to the sound of Hanuel's phone buzzing on the countertop. His parents hadn't canceled the phone, either for sentimental reasons or because they never thought about it, and I always kept the phone charged. I didn't do anything with it. It was just that I couldn't, for whatever reason, let the phone's battery die. Every once in a while, maybe a few times a day, it would buzz with an incoming message. Once or twice, there had been an incoming call, and I tried to avoid looking at the contact name and photo ID, because it was always someone I knew.

Lori insisted that we go out for tteokbokki, which made me groan aloud.

"You need to get out of this apartment," she said when I complained, pulling me by my arms to pull me to the coat closet.

Hypocrite, I thought.

"I just went someplace," I said, even as I yanked on my jacket. Of course, I knew no one was listening to me, which was fine. They were all looking at the three abandoned coats Hanuel had left in the closet. I shut the door and the thick wood concealed the jackets, just in case anyone got any ideas.

I was really, really selfish, after all. I didn't dare deny that.

Considering I couldn't handle spicy food, I always had a difficult time with Korean food, which also meant that my friends found me an entertaining study when trying to eat. They certainly toned it down after Haneul died, but even still, I found myself the target of a few jokes as we sat down to eat tteokbokki in Doyun's favorite restaurant. And, for the first time, as Lori giggled about my red face, I found that I didn't really mind it.

As we ate too-large bowls of ice cream that no one remembered ordering, I found myself speaking to Lori without meaning.

"How did you and Hannie meet?"

Talking with Jean made me realize I didn't know how the group had formed. Doyun and Hanuel were an obvious pair. Not only were they technically related (second cousins) but they grew up in the same building in Koreatown. Lori grew up in Koreatown too, but I knew it wasn't near their building.

I got the feeling I had said something wrong when Doyun and Lori both stared at me for longer than was probably socially expected.

"We went to grade school together. We didn't really talk until high school, though, when we were partnered together for a school project."

"Was he a good partner?"

"He was alright. He did some of the work, which was nice." She had a small smile on her face. "He helped when my parents got divorced."

The thought of parents divorcing had always made my chest twist. I had always selfishly been glad that I wasn't in Lori's life when the divorce happened. Whenever she mentioned the divorce, she would glare at the floor like it had personally offended her. And it always reminded me of the fact that my parents could have, and still could, divorce. Obviously, it wouldn't hurt me as much as it would have when I was a teenager, it would still be a knife between the ribs.

Hanuel and I had always been glad that at least we never had to worry about his parents separating. They were Catholic, which meant they were stuck together whether they wanted to be or not.

"How so?"

Lori shrugged. She was trying to be nonchalant. It was weird to see. She had never pretended to be nonchalant when it came to her family. She was pissed, and was pretty damn proud of it, too.

Anger was, it seemed, an easier emotion than some of the other options.

"He would buy me coffee in the cafeteria every day before class, and he would help me with the homework. For a long time, I thought he was hitting on me, and I called him out for it." She scoffed. "He was honestly confused."