Chasing Yesterday

2

"Behind every beautiful girl, there's a guy who did her wrong and made her strong."

-Unknown

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Monday, September 27th

I have tried to get over my pain. I have tried to forget about him, but it has been over one week and the pain is still going strong. Too many things remind me of him: his old football jacket he had given me after the first game I ever went to, the pictures that I hung around the house but not willing to take down. It is as if the memory of him is taunting me, trying to remind me constantly that we are over.

I know deep down that he was telling the truth when he broke up with me, that he meant every word he said. He doesn't love me, not like I love him, and that's probably what hurts the most: the fact that I still love him even after all the rude things he said to me.

I feel like an idiot for loving him. Someone who says such horrible things to me shouldn't be loved by me. They should be hated, despised. However, no matter how many times I tell myself I hate him, I don't. I still love that inconsiderate jackass, and it hurts.

Over the last week, I have spent a lot of time at dance. I try to block out the emotional pain I am feeling by obtaining physical pain from the excessive amount of hours I spend at the studio. It helps for a while. While I am dancing, it is as if all my problems fade away and I'm free for a moment. However, when I get home, and the physical pain sets in, the emotional pain comes back full force.

I think what makes our breakup truly suck is the fact that I don't have anyone to turn to. Sure, I have some friends from dance, but we weren't that close. My parents are always busy and rarely home, and the only people I have ever really hung out with at school are him and his groupies. Marilyn has tried to talk to me after she realized how hard I am pushing myself, but I don't let her know what is going on.

I have no one to watch sappy chick flicks with, no one to listen to me rant about what a jackass he is, no one to encourage me to get off my ass and show him that I'm not affected by him. So I do everything alone. I spend hours watching sad movies - The Notebook and The Fault in Our Stars - and drowning in ice cream and tears. I try, and truly I do, to get rid of my memories, but in the end I'm never able to.

It sucks being alone. When I am alone, it gives me more time to think about everything, and thinking was obviously the worst thing I could do.

The pain I feel at home isn't all that is making my life miserable. At school, people are constantly staring at me. I don't know if it is pity or what, but it is infuriatingly irritating. My grades are also beginning to slip and the teachers are starting to take notice. A few have tried to talk to me about it, but I brush them off. I am not going to talk to my teachers about my personal problems.

I think what really snaps me back into the reality of school, even if it is for a brief moment, is my English teacher, Mr. Daniels.

I 'm not paying attention - I never do anymore - and Mr. Daniels has told me three times already to stop daydreaming. It isn't daydreaming per se, more like reminiscing. The memories of my relationship with him, just keep coming back in sections, as if I am watching a movie of our time together on a constant repeating cycle.

"Amelia, seriously, pay attention. I will not tell you again." Mr. Daniels shouts for the fourth time. He continues his lecture on whatever Shakespearean piece we are currently reading, but I can't bring myself to focus. I actually try to listen this time, but my mind keeps wandering off. Apparently, it's very obvious.