trust me

chapter 2: guilt inside me

I hate myself sometimes. I treat people around me horribly including deku. But it seems no matter how hard I try to be better I just can't stop myself. It always ends the same way. In the morning I come to terms what I had done and immediately run. It's the only way I can truly deal with things. I suck at communicating and with being a decent human being in general. I know deku can do better than me maybe I was wrong to suggest hooking up that night. I saw him upset and his piece of shit ex and felt like maybe if I can help for one night it would be ok but it wasn't just one night. I haven't been able to stop. I struggle and I can't get out of my head, then I drink and once I start I can't stop. That's when I go to him.

I don't know why I can't just tell him how I feel...maybe it's because I don't actually know how I feel. I see the way he looks at me and I know I'm hurting him but I don't know how to not hurt him. I think that's all I know how to Do. Maybe my mother is right I'm exactly like her. Hurting everyone around me like a parasite. Infecting and destroying everything good and pure.

I pick up my phone typing out a message "hey deku we need to talk" but before I can send it I stop myself there is so much I wanna say but I know I won't be able to get the words out. Sometimes it's best not to try. How is it I'm good at everything except what I need to be good at.

Over the course of the day I type and delete soany messages and ultimately I never send any of them. Some of them were too mushy which felt cringy and some were too mean I've hurt him enough. I hold my head in my hands throwing my phone across the wall hating myself. It shouldn't be this fucking hard to talk to him. What the fuck is wrong with me. I wouldn't even know what to say one of the messages was to end whatever this is but I don't know what exactly it is. And is it even a thing that started to end it.

I was in the process of a mental breakdown when I got a message from deku of all people, kind of ironic, "he Kacchan are you busy" I was taken aback by the question and waited a second to respond I didn't wanna look like some eager dweeb or something "no why" I ask non chalantly trying to be smoothe. It takes him a while to respond for a second I wonder if I was to ambivalent but then wonder why the fuck I care what he thinks. "I was wondering if I can see you tonight...." he asked I can feel the neediness from here. Not gonna lie kinda liking it. I like having power over him. But at the same time I feel like shit for not breaking it off. Something inside me says it's a bad idea until he sends me a picture of him in a bunny outfit and fishnets kneeling on the floor. Then that little responsible voice drops off the planet. But that's when I make horrible judgement calls.

I go to his dorm knocking on the door suddenly feeling a bit more relaxed and confident he opens it in the outfit standing there looking at me with these innocent puppy eyes. I smirk at him he has no idea the things I'm gonna do to him in that outfit. I grip his neck shoving him into the room kissing him roughly biting his bottom lip. I love how his body responds to mine. Already moaning and begging for more and I barely touched him. When I shove him onto the bed he is grinding his hips into mine. Desperate for that magic touch but I intend to make him earn it to make him beg. He whines and whimpers when I deny him the touch he needs I grip his throat looking at him with a dark dominant look "beg like a good bunny rabbit" I tell him and he blushes a bright red looking away "look at me deku" I tell him in a low growl. He looks into my eyes timid but not afraid in fact very much excited as he swallows hard. "Please Kacchan I need you....all of you" he asks in a small voice almost uncertain I can tell he isn't used to having to ask for things like this. So I decide to go ahead and give the little bunny what I know he wants.

In the process losing more of my grip on myself and the walla I built so hard to build. Every touch on his body every work from his sinful lips, every time he moans my name I feel my heart squeeze. I feel my face get hot as my mind wanders. What the hell have I done?