my life with a sip of imagination

a perfectly bad drawing.

I wish people would let me drown.
They always try to save me.
But no one gets how painful that is.
When I breath I only feel pain.
I only feel the tears that are stuck behind my eyes.

I am staring at a blank paper.
I feel like drawing but I don't really know what I should draw.

So I decide to do what I always do when I don't have inspiration.
I listen to music.
The first song that comes up is "snap out of it" from arctic monkeys.
And before I realize it, I am drawing random lines.
I don't know where this is going. Maybe it will look like shit.
Maybe I will become the new Picasso,  which I highly doubt.

A lot of people think that I am good at drawing because I do it a lot
But the truth is, I am the worst at it.
And honestly, I don't care.
I am not doing it for you. Nor for the people who want to discover hidden artists. I am doing it as an escape for my thoughts and emotions.

When I am done I look at my creation.
Well fuck... I don't know if I want to hang it against the wall or burn it.
I don't know what it represents. 
I just know that it describes exactly how I feel.

The next day I wake up feeling sick. There are dark circles under my eyes and my head is killing me.
But I decide to ignore it just like I ignore everything about my health.

In class there are too many people I don't like. Especially a specific girl whose head I would like to use as a stressbal. And I am probably not the only one. She is disrespectful, towards me, my friends and the teachers.
I don't get how she didn't get a lecture yet. Her tone is straight up annoying and rude.

But for once she isn't effecting me. That damn headache, the nausea, the feeling like I am hyperventilating it's distracting me from everything.  But I still decide to ignore it. I can't skip any classes. I can't get behind. So I suck it up, take some medication and go on with the day.

I grew up as a perfect child. Always first in competitions, respectful, quiet, perfect grades etc. And even though no one is expecting me too, I am. I need to be perfect,  if I am not I am a waste of space, I am worthless. So no I can't skip school, no matter what.

And soon enougg I realize the consequences of that.
I never lose my consciousness but today I do fall trough my legs and everything goes black for a second. This goes on for the whole day. My headache is killing me,  I almost fell from the stairs, almost threw up, temperature is constantly interchanging etc. This goes on until Wednesday.

Wednesday I realize I can't go on like this. I can't even memorize a simple line for class. So against my will I go home.
But instead of resting all I can do is think about school and what I will miss.