MEMORIES

unlucky me

starting my last year of collage... I said to myself im going to be different, this is the year im going to take advantage of life, and of my youth, that im going to enjoy, that im not going to care, that im going to free myself, and not give a fuck.

im going out, meet new people, and just be different, not be so closed off, awkward, shy.

it started great, but now its going downhill, im starting to overthink, and its fucking with me, my confidence, my goals, and im going back to my bad habits, the ones I want to get rid of, the ones that destroy me physically, mentally and emotionally.

I went out with my friends and I felt great and free, I felt like myself, I felt those felling I long to feel while I was stuck in my bedroom listening to music and making up scenarios in my head, I felt those for the first time. it was euphoric, made me feel alive and happy.

 went out a second time and felt even better, had a few drinks and my anxiety just went up in the air, gone.

the third time I also had a few drinks, maybe to many, and it kinda scares me that I need to depend on drinks and alcohol to be free and confident, to have no anxiety, to feel no pressure, to be free and happy, to be me

if that makes sence

it was on the third night out my friends told me to talk to someone put myself out there, I did it was great, I meet this great guy at least from what I remember, even tho that night comes in parts, I remember clearly feeling something different,  I haven't felt when meeting any guy before. in other words we were felling each other, there was a vibe, chemistry, at leats that was my reading, as well as what my friends also thought of the situation.

I thought given the facts that where provided by my friends, that maybe this time around, luck would be on my side, that just maybe the universe was too

so I applied what I said to myself im not going to overthink, or over analyse a situation, that I was going to be different, and so I did, I made the first step, I text him first.

took him a while to text back, didn't think much of it, eventually he texted back and we went back and forth a bit, still there was a delay on his responses, but I was giving it the benefit of the doubt, we flirted it felt like the very early begging of what could be something.

that hours still go by a lot of hours go by before I get and answer, but they came eventually... still somewhat flirty.

but now they're taking longer,... and I know we barely know each other or at all, but I just though this time it was going work out, 

would the universe really be that cruel?

I guess so 

so for every hour that goes by I overthink, 

am I good enough, 

was I boring, 

was I not what he was expecting? 

this is what I hate 

this interaction with this guy that I barely know, that I probably will never see again, has this huge old on me, on my mind, and the fact that I don't know what's going on on his side, that I don't know how this is going to turn out, even tho I have a pretty good guess, 

it plays over and over in my head, every possible, horrible scenario, and I overthink and I get anxiety about all this, it kills me 

I know, ... all this for some meaningless interaction

patetic

I just thought this was it, but again with my track record I should really have seen this form miles away 

but for once I wanted to believe 

believe things would work out for once

believe in the mysterious ways the universe works

I didn't want to be a pessimist

but as the hours and the scenarios go by in my head, and the seen notification doesn't turn into a text

the more I hate myself 

stupid 

and I know 

because deep down I knew how this was going to end 

me being hurt over what is nothing

unlucky me