I'm ugly, ugly as hell and it's my fault i feel that way. No one can change my mind. Not unless you can figure out how to come out to my parents as trans masc. I used to be happy with myself with becoming elliot and leaving lilah I was enjoying looking at myself but when I look at myself now I feel like slashing my ugly face. I can barely look at my face I can barely look at my body I hate every inch every inner piece of my body. I cut my body the white lines running up my legs and arms. I want to continue but my parents ask questions and my fake ass lies barely cut it. I only see you dad on the weekends now he works from 3 - 12 so he wakes up after I leave for school and comes home when I'm "asleep" My pastor at church said he felt sorry for me. I feel sorry for me too. I feel sorry for my eyes for having to look at my ugly face for having to look down at my arms everyday for having to look at my body I feel sorry for my eyes to have to look at my ugly ass art that I make but I shouldt. It's getting colder out but I can't sleep without my fan their are studies shown that people with ptsd and seperiashion issue use fans, white noise, or music to sleep because it helps them not feel alone. Good for me I have both. I have anxiety, social anxiety, deppreshion, ptsd, seperiashion issues, I self harm and no one notices or cares maybe couse I'm so ugly and they don't want to associate with me a pretty ugly human. Maybe that's why I have so many problems my dad would leave after yelling and throwing glass or anything he had in arms reach he would leave in his car and come back maybe an hour later or later. I talked to my friend about that and she said it's child abandonment but I wasent alone I had my abusive older brother and my mom who I look almost identical too but then I cut my hair I got glasses and I'm maybe one of the most ugly human beings on planet earth. My girlfriend says I'm very pretty and she could look at me for hours but I can barely look at myself for 10 seconds in the mirror before trailing to my face and walking away. I avoid going to the bathroom at school to much mirrors right where I have to wash my hands and fuck gender. I've went once to the bathroom to clean blood off my hand after sh in science class in that's class I've had my scissors taken away because I said I had the urge to cut off my tounge. I'm ugly, ugly as hell I shouldn't care this much I'm ugly that's all ugly unuff to be thrown in a ditch and worthy to wait to die. That's how it goes your born your either pretty and happy or ugly and sad. I used to think I was pretty now I hate the thought of me. My nose hurts for having a running nose from crying do much. I have a sensitive neck I belive it has a reason yet I don't know what it is, I can't let someone grab the back of my neck and I'm defensive of the front of my neck I refuse to touch my neck it gives me the ich and makes me uncomfortable. My rooms pink I didn't choose that I wanted it to stay orange but apparently it was an ugly orange now it's a light pink. If my room stayed orange maybe I wouldent have to feel like asking to change it to black, red, grey, or orange. I don't care of the color is ugly we would be able to have something in common. People do say a room reflects a person. I have 7 pairs of scissors in my room and one could be the one where I cut myself my broken keychains have worked scissors have worked my nails have worked. I want to slash my face and body I want to set myself ablaze and wait for my body to be gone and I'll be dead. If I commit suicide I can't go to heaven because I would have broken one of the 10 commandments. So I'd be able to rot in hell as my friends and family are having a good time in heaven while I'm just laying next to flames trying to ignore the fact of my stupid stupid ugly face.
