I may be the youngest but that doesnt mean i sacrifice nothing.This might sound i dont know but i sacrifice my whole life for my family.I sacrifice my childhood,teenage year and future for them.They plan out everything.They ruin my teenage year.Mhmm im 19.And yes i dont have much memories like others because my teenage year is so boring.I also cant remember much about my childhood.Probably because of trauma.I tried to remember my childhood but theres not a lot.Its like my brain shut down those memories.It doesnt exist in my brain.And its really sad.I cant relate to most teenage that went to every viral places,join every competition,having groups of friends,being rebellious and having their parents or family supporting them.I dont even join competition but if I were to join any.I know they wouldnt support me or show up.I know they dont have trust in me.I know they would make fun of me.
After I finish spm,I really hope i get to further studies cuz ive been dreaming about it since i was 14.I just want to get out of this house.But of course i cant.I need their help in everything. 18 is the crucial age where u really need your family to help u to the next step.U know? Helping them applying for studies,helping them getting license and providing them in everything.But not in my case.I apply for upu and i got rejected at first.I did the second one and got rejected again.So they can say that its not their fault cuz im the one who didnt get the offers.Btw upu is a Malaysia Platform to apply for university,college etc.I tried to apply for others but the others one i need their help with document and information but they wont help.They say u dont need to apply that.They will manage about my studies.But times went by,after 2 months all kid my age are finally busy preparing to furthering studies and i ask my brothers.They were clueless.I say '' I thought u say u manage them?'' but he say he didnt.He didnt think about it at all.And i say ''but theres no more offers,everything is closed because its over.Everyone already preparing to further study''.And he was like '' yeah,and then?'' I was like '' What about me?'' And he was like ''Then u dont need to further study,just stay at home,do the chores and cooking,take care of ur mom''. He says that so bluntly without any guilt in his voice.Of course,why did i even trust him..haha.I forgot I cant trust or rely on them.Its been 2 years I only been taking care of them and house.Sometimes when I go through my social media my souls would be screaming that I want freedom.But i know i cant and that i should accept my fate.
But funny thing I apply upu again this year and I got an offers.Most amazing part is i got the course that I want so I was kinda excited already.But i didnt put my hopes high because I know theyre gonna keep me and say no.But i still try because before this they says because i didnt get any offers as an excuse.So I wanna know their excuse this time.They say they were gonna discuss it but i didnt see them discussing at all.And I have to give the offer an answer on sunday which means only a week to decide.And Im so understanding that I was like hmm maybe because theyre working.Lets wait until sunday to see them discuss it.But before sunday come I did hear from them that we dont have money to send me study.I tried talking it out how we can borrow this and that.But they were no we shouldnt and its not that easy.And they keep saying later we talk about it.So i just thought its gonna be sunday though i dont have hopes that theyre gonna say yes.Its sunday,we were going out and not a single soul mentioning about it.Almost midnight,I say to my mom.So no ? She was like what? I say the offer? She says oh maybe no because were in a tight situation and currently struggling with financial issues and blablabla.I know u want it I want to make ur wish come true too but I cant.I just follow what ur brother says too.She says that in a sad way.But I know she didnt mean that.Shes just trying to sound nice.So I was like mkay letting the offer go.For them.But another funny thing is that my brother is the one that told me to apply but then they say no.Bruh whats the point? Nevermind.I will never get how their brains function. They are indeed struggling with financial issues so I wont fight either.They probably not going to eat if they actually send me there haha.Although its hard to believe.
But now i dont have the feel to work or study anymore.All my hopes already die.They really make me think that im capable of nothing.Theyre good at that.And as I was thinking im kinda glad that I didnt further my study cuz I bet they would make a new damn issues from it.They would make a whole lot of bad assumptions on me and pressure me academically and compare to my brothers.Since both my brothers graduate with really good results.I wouldnt be really free either.Either way I will still stuck with them.They will still control me by words.Their words are penetrating my brain.Im free but their words would follow me around.That wont be nice either.Im really sacrificing my whole life for them.Its my life and I dont get to have a say.Im just a doll theyre keeping and planning everything out for me.Not even a human.
Im too young to be doing all this.Doing and helping is different.Its literally my responsibilities and no one help me.And my mother is still healthy but she aint doing anything.While I watch others grandma still cook for their children.My mom is still alive and healthy but its been a long time since ive tasted her cooking.Others do chores too but their parents and siblings help them or they help their family.Others do chores alone too but theyre able to go out and destress.Most of them dont do it everyday and multiple times.I have the right to complain.Im more than burnout.I dont feel alive.Its just me moving out of force cuz I be pressured if i dont do it.More funny i love cooking but now im hating it cuz it become a chore and responsibilities for me now.
Furthermore, yes furthermore..They ruin me.They ruin my ambition.I keep changing ambition cuz they make fun of my ambition until I dont have ambitions anymore.And they would say im hopeless cuz I dont have any.Its really their fault.Even if I did have,not like they will allow me to chase for it.Or they already plan before I even born.To bring me down.To get in my head and ruin my confidence.To make me think im capable of nothing and make me hopeless so I wouldnt fight when theyre controlling me.It could be a theory u know? Yes im thinking so far because i dont get why theyre doing this.Some say i will get it when im older.Oh no even everyone arround me thats older didnt get it.Because really..for what?! But like i say that cant be right that they do that and plan that early.That would be sick.What kind of family wanna do that.Maybe they just love me.Theyre protecting me.They dont trust me.Theyre afraid to let me explore.But even so,I cant think! Isnt it a bit too much? Ur ruining me and my life.Its about time u loosen up.Some says it will end once ur 18 but hahaha.They think my family is just a typical strict family but they dont know my family is built different.They dont get it.Theres more fucked up story about my family.This is just a bit.And yes I keep them to myself for a long time thus why im writing this.I notice these monts im getting more and more impatient and drained from them doing me like this.I keep up with them,bear with them for a long time now.I always wonder until when I can be patient.And when im gonna explode.And until when theyre gonna do this..forever? And I already have a lots of thing I wanna say if i got the chance.Im just playing the waiting game right now.
They ruin everything.They gave me trauma,social anxiety,panic attack,depression and all kind of mental health u could think of.They also make me lose my confidence.Get in my head and say all those offensive things to me.They are the cause of everything.And the audacity to say that I have it easy and sacrifice nothing.I dont even ask them to buy me anything.I never buy what I want.If they ask I would prioritze the house first.Im behaving like a real mom now.Buy groceries.Thats all I keep asking for.Hahaha.Never ask anything for myself.The fact that I never even complain to them how I hate my life or hate them.And I dont sacrifice anything, just an evil selfish daughter.
I dont even feel sorry because only I know what ive done for them.All my money just finish on them.Never spent it on myself.And didnt even ask for it back because ''family''.Apparently,they done much more for u.Ur consider bad if u want ur money back.But I never really mind about that.
Mhmm maybe in delulu maybe its nothing maybe im not sacrificing anything for them.Maybe i really had it easy.Maybe all my sacrifices arent sacrifices but nothing or just typical stuff that people would do.I dont even know anymore..
