𝐋𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 - Matt Sturniolo

ғɪғᴛᴇᴇɴ

࿇ ══━━━━✥ Aurora ✥━━━━══ ࿇

When I returned to the house in tears, my father stood in the hallway and looked at me. "Stop crying, it's not going to help and he's not worth it."

"You don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled at him and ran upstairs to the bathroom.

I slid down the door and cried. I hated myself so much. I wish I had never been born, then everyone would be happy now and not have to endure the suffering. I screamed and pulled my hair.

I felt like I did a year ago when I had to go to the hospital. Broken, in pain and just broken. I could not stand it.

I had ruined everything between me and Matt with one conversation and I couldn't stand that. I was ready to tell him my whole truth and tell him that I loved him and now we would ignore each other out of the hallways and never talk again.

This idea made me cry again. I could not stand it. I decided that there was no other way out for me and ran to the bathroom cabinet and took out the razor blades.

I pulled up the sleeve of my sweater and looked at my healed scars.  I briefly thought about not doing it, but I couldn't help it, there was too much self-loathing that I had to live with.

So I put the blade on and drew it over my skin and I breathed deeply again every time I put it on. My tears dripped onto my arm and caused a slight burning sensation on my arm. The blood flowed from my skin and dripped onto the white floor of the bathroom.

And then the bathroom door opened and in the doorway stood my sister looking at me and when she realized what I was doing she bit her lower lip and looked at me hurt.  Shit how could I forget to lock the door?

Then she came towards me, snatched the blade out of my hands and threw it into the trash can.

"WHY?" she screamed and tears ran down her face. I just looked at her without answering.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS AGAIN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE HEALTHY AGAIN." I still did not answer.

"ANSWER ME, DAMN IT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? I AM THE YOUNGER ONE. WHY DO I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT YOU WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND?" Her voice was so full of pain and anger that it hurt me.

And now I hated myself even more because she was right. I was the older one, I was supposed to take on the role of mother after our mother died and take care of her.

"I just want a normal family, with a mother, a father who is not an alcoholic, and a sister who I don't have to worry about killing herself." She said and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, which didn't help, because the next ones came right away.

I just stood there with a bleeding arm and no idea what to say or do. I just wish I could die here and now so that I could free so many people from their pain and finally be with my mother again.

Now my father came around the corner and I noticed him early enough to hide my arm with my sleeve and stand on the drops of blood.

"What's going on here?" he asked sourly, looking at our tear-stained faces. I was too incapable to speak, but Phoebe was not.

"Nothing dad, you should leave. This is between me and Aurora," she said. And I was grateful that she didn't tell him, it was bad enough to have disappointed him a year ago. He looked at us critically for a moment and then left.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Don't thank me. I'll tell you Aurora, I'll go and tell him, or I'll go to the school board or something if you don't stop it. I can't do this, really. I can't lose anyone else, especially not the most important person." She said and it touched and broke me at the same time.