To the Ends of the Earth

Chapter Two: Guilt

'Did I do that?'

I stared at the television screen but couldn't find the will to laugh. If Urkel couldn't make me laugh, no one could. I huffed and turned the TV off.

I was too distracted. Dr. Crain's words were playing on a loop in my mind.

'Lottie, by simply referring to it as an incident you're regressing.'
'I want you to consider opening up to someone close to you.'
'It's been seven years, Lottie.'

Regressing? Seven fucking years later, I was regressing. It was because of those messages I'd been getting since I returned from Greece. Well, it was really the same message being sent over and over again with various different anonymous phone numbers. A ten-second long video clip had the power to break me. It had the power to make me regress after almost seven years of therapy.

'I want you to consider opening up to someone close to you.'

But, who could I open up to? Who could I share my struggles and trauma with? If I told Alex, he would become murderous. He was the typical man and needed to fix what was broken. But, I was broken many years ago and didn't even know if I could be fixed. Would he try to find the man that hurt me? Impossible. It couldn't be done.

Should I tell my parents? No! Absolutely not. I knew how Alex would react, but I had no clue how my parents would react. What if I didn't get the support I needed? That would destroy me. I loved my parents but, the minute I turned eighteen, they expected me to be an adult and take care of myself. They were enjoying life without children in their home and were satisfied with occasional visits and phone calls. I knew they loved me, but would they be angry? Upset? Disappointed?

I tentatively reached for my phone and pulled open my contacts. I didn't have to scroll too far down before I knew who I wanted to call. With my heart beating out of my chest, I listened to the dial tone. After the third ring, my call was answered.

"Hi Athena," I croaked out.

"Hey there, Lottie. How's it going?" she asked, cheerily.

"I'm okay. What are you up to?" I looked at the time and internally cursed myself. "Oh no, did I wake you up?"

"No sweetie," she chuckled. "I was just starting to get ready for bed."

"Right. Well, I'm probably bothering you. I should hang up."

"Oh no, Lottie. You're not bothering me. Plus, I'm upset with Alex, so he could wait a little. It'll be good for him."

"What?" I asked, worriedly. "Why are you upset with him?"

"He cheated on me," she replied, curtly.

I paused, frozen and speechless. "Impossible," I whispered. "That's impossible, Athena. He would never..."

"Pshh, I know that," she interjected. "He cheated on me in my dream."

"Wait, this was a dream?" I questioned, confused.

"Yes Lottie, last night I had a dream that he was cheating on me and now I'm upset with him. Okay? I know I'm being ridiculous, but I'm PMSing."

"Right...but, don't be too harsh on him. Poor guy wouldn't be able to handle it."

"Don't worry, Lottie. I'll get into bed and let him cuddle me. Then, all will be well in Alex's world."

"True," I chuckled. Alex was obsessed with holding and touching Athena. It was like she was his addiction but, somehow, it worked for them. He loved to show his affection for her with his caresses. At times, I wished I could find what they had.

"Anyway, why are you calling? Is everything okay?"

Uh-oh! How did I answer that question?

"Umm," I mumbled. "I was wondering...how would you feel about making a trip to New York? I'll cover all expenses. We can have a spa day too."

"You don't have to do that. I'd love to hang out with you, Lottie. But, what is this really about?"

I blew out a breath and took my time answering her. "Honestly, there is something I'd like to share with you. It's a little difficult for me to talk about, so I'd prefer to do it in person."

She was silent for a beat or two. "Please, don't tell me this is about Vivi. Is she in New York? Did you see her?" she asked, sounding very upset.

"No, I haven't seen her. But, I'll admit she's been on my mind a lot lately...you know, I still feel guilty about what happened."

"Lottie, you've already apologized for the things you said in Palm Springs, and it wasn't your fault she showed up in Athens. Although, that psychotic narcissist needs to pay for what she did to my brother."

"Yeah, I know. It's just...just because I apologized doesn't mean the guilt disappeared. I'm always going to feel guilty about what I said to you. I can still envision the hurt in your eyes that night."

"You're right, Lottie. I was very hurt that night. But, was it really your fault for believing others over me? We hardly knew each other then."

"Only a small part of my actions were due to believing others over you, Athena. In reality, I always had my doubts when it came to Vivi. I used to think I was the one in the wrong for not liking her. Maybe, I was the bad guy. If my entire family thought she was this incredible person, I must've been the one that was being petty and ridiculous. But, I have to admit I was most likely projecting my own jealousies onto you."

"Your jealousies?" she questioned, sounding surprised.

"Yeah, I promise I'll explain that in person too."

"Well, alright, I have some appointments booked this week. But, I think I could fly in on Wednesday night and leave on Friday. Does that work for you?"

"That's perfect. Thank you, Athena. I don't deserve your kindness."

"Yes you do, Lottie. We all do things we regret."

"Some more than others," I mumbled.

"Stop being so harsh on yourself," Athena scolded. "We're sisters now. I'm not going to let something you said in the moment get in the way of our relationship. By feeling guilty, you've already proven you're a good person. If you weren't so kind-hearted, you would never have felt any guilt."

"I guess," I huffed. "I'll let you go and cuddle with my brother now. Please, send me your flight information and I'll meet you at the airport."

"Sounds good, Lottie. See you soon."

"See you soon," I replied and hung up.

I could do this. Athena was such a sweet soul. If I couldn't talk to her, I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone.