A Moment Of Your Time

Grief & Security

After their long discussion about life, Cate and Frankie sat down to watch a movie. They put on a movie. Cate decided on a Gena Rowlands movie called Love Streams. Frankie loved Gena Rowlands as well as Cate. They both needed a comfort right now. So, they sat and watched.

Cate fell asleep in Frankie's lap. Frankie soon followed suit and fell asleep, holding Cate. Frankie woke up in the middle of the night though, feeling hot. Cate was a little heater. She was so cozy because of this but with the blanket on as well, she was sweating half to death.

Frankie slipped off of the couch, leaving Cate surprisingly undisturbed. She looked at the time, it was 12:47 AM. She picked Cate up, only earning a small groan from her. She was a surprisingly deep sleeper. Cate was already in comfy clothes, so she felt no need to change them.

She set her down gently in her bed. As soon as she did, Cate stretched, curled up, and grabbed the pillow next to her, and fell back asleep with a smile on her face. Frankie stood there, smiling at the woman in her bed. She hadn't had anyone in it with her since Winnie.

   This immediately brought a smile to her face. She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty though, as well. She was so happy... and she was finally moving on. This was a wonderful thing but it made her feel awful sometimes. She felt as if she was almost betraying Winnie.

   She loved Cate so much and maybe that's what got her feeling so guilty. She thought she'd never love again, and to be honest, she made an unspoken vow, subconsciously to Winnie that she wouldn't. Even though, she knew Winnie would not want that. She still felt she was tied to her.

   That's the thing about grief though, you never stop thinking of this person as alive and in your life. You never stop thinking of them as a constant in your life, even when they are truly gone.

   Grieving is not only losing that person once. It's losing them when you wake up and they are not next to you. It's having a dream about them and then coming back to the reality that they are gone. It's finding something hilarious or having really good news and you just want to share this thing with that person.

   Grief is wanting to consult with that person about every little thing but being left, talking to the moon. In Frankie's case now, grief was falling in love with Cate, moving on and finding happiness but feeling guilty, as if she were cheating on Winnie.

   It's getting caught in the same cycle over and over again. You don't stop needing this person. You don't stop loving this person. You can't hate them like you would a break up, because they did nothing wrong. It was not their choice to leave. It was not their choice to hurt you.

   Some say a break up is similar to losing someone in death. Those people have never truly lost a person because it's far worse. That person isn't here. That person isn't walking around or experiencing joy. That person is gone and Frankie had to remind herself of that all of the time.

   So, yes... even in situations like this, where she was so filled with joy and pure love, she still felt that twinge of sadness because Winnie was not there to experience it with her. Winnie couldn't see how incredible Cate was and how she made her feel.

   Frankie had never been one to believe in god per say, but she hoped Winnie was somewhere in the universe, getting to see her finally be happy. She also hoped she wasn't because that would mean Winnie knowing she's moved on. It's silly because she knew Winnie would have wanted that.

   Winnie was a selfless, loving person and she loved Frankie so much. So, knowing that, she knew Winnie would approve and be happy for her but she couldn't shake that feeling of betrayal. Even as Cate laid there, looking like an angel.

   Frankie didn't realize it until now but she felt as if she was betraying two people. Leida and Winnie. It was a lot to think about. She jumped into the shower to clear her head a bit and then hopped into comfy pjamas.

   She laid down next to Cate and she immediately felt it. She felt secure. As mentioned previously, security was something Frankie had never felt. Not even with Winnie. I know it sounds bizarre but Winnie was unpredictable.

   Any human is unpredictable, they're a separate person but Winnie? She was something different. More than a free spirit. She was wild and she was untamed. Frankie loved that about her but no matter how much she loved her, she never felt secure about anything with her.

   She hasn't been with Cate long but if she was honest with herself, the moment she met Cate she felt it. She felt safe with her. That day in the garden, the first time she laid eyes on Cate. She felt she belonged with her. She felt like following this stranger. This goddess.

   So, she had that. It was a beautiful, foreign feeling. It made her heart sing. Cate made her heart sing, as cliche as that sounds. She knew she was the one. Out of all of the loves she's had, Cates felt the most real. It felt good for her soul.

   So, she decided that with all of the feelings she was feeling, it'd be best to talk with Cate. She needed to tell her the realizations she's made. She was an open book with Cate. Cate was an open book with her. Security.