My Darkness and My Light (Little Star)

Chapter Four: My Panther

I ran stumbling over roots, my body hitting the ground hard, knocking the breath out of me, sharp pain shooting in my ankle. I pulled myself up and ran blindly, terror pushing me forward, my lungs burning, heart pounding in my ears. When I hit the ground hard again, I heard the sound of my pursuers closing the distance between us. I cried out and dragged myself to my feet. As I took off into the night, this time all of the trees, roots, the entire forest around me came into focus with sharp clarity. I could see a great distance ahead of me. I sprang forward on all fours, my powerful legs leaping me forward in 10 meter bounds at a time. Every time the pads of my four feet made contact with the ground, my pace picked up until I was tearing through the underbrush at impossible speeds.

I cleared the forest in an hour, came out into a valley at the foothills of the towering mountain ranges, and was on the other side of the mountain before sunrise. My fear had subsided enough with the rising sun that I slowed my pace to strolling as I walked through the little valley I'd found myself in. I bent my head to drink from a still stream and observed the visage of a massive black panther peering back at me from behind shimmering golden eyes. The growl of appreciation that came from deep within was a comfort to me. Every muscle in my body sung with power and precise control. I leapt to the lowest branch of a nearby tree and climbed 25 meters up with all of the ease of breathing. I nestled down in the crook of a branch, and with a stretch and the sigh of a very large and very tired cat, I fell asleep.

I awoke at dusk debating putting more distance between myself and the camp protecting that monster, though surely they wouldn't pursue me over the high mountain range, what could they want with keeping me? I spent the night hunting and devouring small prey, filling my belly and relishing the thrill of the hunt and the joy of the kill. No food had ever tasted as good in my human mouth as the fresh warm blood of the rabbit I was carrying with me up my tree right now. I loved sitting in the high branches and just watching the activity of the forest floor. I passed another night of safety in my tree. The following evening I was hunched down watching the fish in my little stream, muscles coiled ready to spring for one when I felt the forest hush along the tree line. I turned my head towards the forest, and there stood an impossibly large cave bear. He caught my gaze and slowly lowered himself to a seated position. I bolted for my tree and stayed there all night, eyes trained on the unmoving form of the massive bear. As day broke, I decided I had to do something. I thought that in this form, even though I probably couldn't kill him, I could surely outrun him. As my feet hit the clearing floor, the bear shifted effortlessly and there stood a naked and massive Halsin. He called over to me. "Hey there kitty. We need to talk. Please? I won't come near you, nor touch you. No one else is here, and you never have to return to camp if you don't wish." I stared at him, frozen except for the tip of my tail whipping around in agitation. Finally, I slowly closed the distance between us until only a few meters separated us. I lowered myself into a spring loaded crouch and gave a warning growl, which Halsin took as permission to begin speaking. He stopped to retrieve a robe from the pouch that had fallen to his feet during his shift. He caught me watching him and said "Oh, I've got one for you too. I've been tracking you for days, kitten. I've worried about you. Your panther is gorgeous by the way. " His voice lowered in a reverent tone. "You've settled into her skin beautifully. Listen, what happened at camp was all our fault, not yours. We were just trying to protect you." I growled deeply at the idea that letting me eat and sleep in the same camp with my murderer could in anyway be construed as "protection." "Kitten, this conversation would go easier if it were a little less one sided. Which brings me to a pressing point; Do you know how to wild shape back? If you stay in that form too long especially when you're just learning you risk losing the ability to be human again. Your animal mind could take over and you'll become feral, a non thinking beast." I started at that, a moment of panic but an underlying small wish that I would lose my thinking mind and become just the skill, speed, and grace of my killer panther. No. I couldn't give up my mind, even if it would mean giving up the memories and terror I so wished to lose. "Can you shape back?" Halsin asked again. I took a couple steps closer to him, sat down, and cocked my head, eyeing him. "That's okay, it's like any other magic," he said. It just takes concentration and practice. We can work on it now." So we spent the day working on my mind-body connection, working to get my body to return to its original form. It would've felt nice spending time listening to the gentle instructions of my teacher and would be friend again if the biggest reason that I wanted to be human right now wasn't to scream at him; to yell his betrayal back at him. So I focused on my work and my practice with a vigor born of anger and resentment. It took longer than it should have for me to work it out, almost certainly because my mind wasn't in the right space to be doing that work, but by nightfall I stood before Halsin in my human form. Without the speed and strength of my panther, terror began to take over almost right away. I was visibly shaking and knew that Halsin could see it. He raised his arms, hands out placatingly. He said "I promise, I'm not here to hurt you or to force you to come back with me. I'm just here to help. I feel responsible for you. The power that you have been given, the power that you took from our god needs training, and I feel him call to train and protect you, kitten. I want to answer your questions about Astarion, about our entire band of misfits, and assuage your fears. I want you to return to camp with me where we have the benefit of the groups protection during these dangerous and horrific times, but if you won't return, I'll respect that and ask to stay here with you." "I can't" was all I was able to squeak out before my silent tears turned to violent, shaking sobs.

He cleared the steps between us and I was wrapped up in his arms. He sat and pulled me down into his lap, gathering me tighter in his arms, crushing my face into his massive chest. The smell of bear, honeysuckle, and woodsmoke emanating from him filling my nostrils and bringing with it a slight calm. I sobbed for hours, calming into quiet sniffles before starting again in rib aching sobs. He held me, murmuring quiet soothing sounds, and pressing gentle kisses into my hair. I awoke in the morning, still in his arms, to an alert Halsin gently stroking my back. He'd held me through the long night and kept his watch stroking and soothing me long after I drifted off into sleep. "Good morning kitten," his sleepy voice growled out, "how about a hunt!?" All of a sudden, I was tumbling onto the ground as the large man beneath me shifted into a much, much larger bear. It ended up taking me awhile to find my panther again and Halsin had to shift back to help talk me through some of the breathing and summoning, but long before noon, our powerful jaws and sharp claws were slick with the blood of slower creatures and our bellies were full. I lay in the sun dappled forest floor fastidiously cleaning blood from my paws while I could hear Halsin's bear around the bend doing some small battle with a hive of bees as he robbed them of their honey. It felt so nice and so safe. Halsin had said he would stay here with me and I'd just simply tell him that was what I wanted. We didn't need the others, and I could not face that monster again. I wouldn't.

Sometime later I rose languidly to my feet and stretched deeply. I padded through the undergrowth until I came out into the clearing where a loudly snoring and still honey sticky bear was asleep on his back. I curled myself against his side as a house cat would and began to lick the delicious honey from his front paws. Once my work there was done, I set my forelegs upon his chest and pulled myself over his slumbering form to clean the remaining sweet mess from his muzzle. He stirred and rolled onto his side, pinning me to him under a massive paw. He nuzzled his not-quite-clean face against mine and I returned to licking and nibbling him clean. For a moment I wondered what it might be like as humans to be pressed against Halsin, licking and nibbling at the corners of his mouth. A heat spread through me and I turned my thoughts away. Before my capture, I had never even been kissed and my captors certainly never kissed me with kindness or with anything but cruelty and mocking. There was no reason for my mind to wander there now. But still, I thought, a kiss from Halsin might just be one of the few lovely things remaining in this life. The sleeping bear then licked me along my teeth and up my cheek and I flinched momentarily wondering if mind reading was magic that Halsin possessed, but he went right back to big bear snores. Not long after, I was slumbering in the safety of the hug of two apex predators.