SCRIBBLES OUT OF BLUE

THE WHOLE

It was dark whenever she looked outside of the window. It was either dawn or dusk, in between which she would usually sleep or scroll in her room or in her class. Everything around her was just like a buzz in her ears nothing much.  People's laughter, the lectures, clattering in the canteen, music playing in her ear phones, the alarm clock, loud bus horns, explanations, apologies everything felt like a buzz to her. It was there but not very clear. The numbness in head made her feel dead sometimes. Numbness was everywhere now. In her hands when she wanted to write, in her lips when she wanted to laugh, in her eyes when she wanted to cry, in her legs when she wanted to run and in her stomach when she wanted to eat. Darkness was long gone it is nothingness now. Now all she wondered was how it would feel to at least feel something anything pain, despair, happiness, anger.. anything but something. 

Her mind was messier than her room. She couldn't bear to stay nor could she leave it. She felt assured that there was something even more dirtier than her thoughts with in those walls, The laundry from last month. Her table had several empty cups and books covered in dust as if it was left abandoned for months maybe in some sense it really was. Several bookmarks waiting to be real, several assignments waiting to be completed, several recipes waiting to be tasted but they could not tempt her. The desire in her somehow died that also killed her. 

When she wanted to write about her problems or at least think about them she couldn't pen a single word like in those lectures she attends everyday. She would have been at least a little hopeful if she had problems because they have some solutions. In her case the problem was her. She was her own venom, her thoughts tearing her neurons apart little by little every single day, her eyes drying out more and more and her hunger dying out. 

One night she had a dream as vivid as the pain she felt. She saw a house that smelled like her. The house was very clean and light was gushing through the curtains. It wasn't dark at all. There was a woman as placid as a lake in her dream, her hands were as soft as dough, her eyes were moist and she smiled vibrantly looking at her. It felt like she was celebrating her very existence, nothing else. My heart felt like a river for a while, it was just flowing with hers. We were happy at that moment. She was dragging me somewhere, she was so adamant, I was hesitant. She dragged me nevertheless and I closed my eyes shut because I knew deep inside. She wanted me to face the reality. She laughed at my childishness and she held my hands tight when I was finally ready to look at it in the eyes. The mirror stood in front of me like a door to another world in which I could look at myself. I looked like her. I was her. I knew all along. There was no one with me. It was me. It is only I who could heal myself and bring myself back to life. That morning she woke up to some beaming rays of sun cause of her long dream. She then wiped her dirty mirror and looked at herself as a whole. She realized smiling is not as hard. 

PS: People are perplexed cause of the sudden first person shift in the last paragraph. That was intended TT. Basically implying the girl in the dream, the narrator and the writer are one. <3