From the Other Side | Stay With Me

The Other Side - Su Yu

May 2009. Pasadena, California, USA (Present Day)

BEEP BEEP BEEP. BZZZZZ. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Eyes closed, I fumble for my phone in the dark, scrambling to dismiss the alarm before it wakes my roommate, Wayne. All while mentally rebuking myself for forgetting to set it to vibrate the night before, something I typically do on days when Wayne has no morning classes, my eyes crack open, vision blurring as it focuses on my phone's display: 7:00 a.m.

I peek over at Wayne's bed across the room. He's still sound asleep. We are both utterly exhausted these days, staying up late studying for our upcoming final exams next month.

Unlike me, Wayne values every minute of his precious sleep. After developing insomnia since leaving Beijing, I take prescribed sleeping pills to catch a few hours of unconsciousness. It's not restful sleep. My body simply learned how to adjust and even thrive without it.

Taking full advantage of spring's cooler weather before the summertime heat, I take a quick bike ride around campus on the days with no early morning classes, for some fresh air and to quiet my restless mind.

After climbing down from my lofted bed, I quickly change into a white t-shirt and black shorts, glide my fingers thru my hair a few times, and grab my essentials before heading out.

After a short brisk walk to the bike rack, I enter my combination, 0606, into the lock and it springs free. There's always a slight twinge in my chest every time I enter this code since I can't help but recall why I chose it: to memorialize my connection to the other half of my heart; the half that I left behind on the other side of the world 2 years ago.

Feeling sudden moisture, I swipe the tears away before they can roll down my warm cheek. While gripping the handlebars with my slightly sweaty palms and both feet firmly planted, I shake my head from side to side to clear the unwanted thoughts lingering in my mind.

Utilizing my therapist's technique to refocus my attention, I take a deep breath of the crisp springtime air into my lungs for 3 seconds, hold it for 3 seconds, and then exhale for 3 seconds. Once grounded in the present moment again, I take my usual bike route around campus.

The weather is beautiful this time of year in Southern California, or SoCal as the locals call it, and today is no exception. The refreshing slight breeze on my face and back is a nice contrast to the hot rays of the sun.

As the Spring term of my second year of undergraduate studies at the California Institute of Technology or Caltech concludes, it still feels surreal that I'm studying at this world-renowned science and engineering university that only accepts the top 4-6% of applicants. I've never felt so academically invigorated and challenged in my entire life. Only the top students from around the world get the privilege of studying here; I'm pleased to be one of them.

Even though I had to sacrifice my direct admission to China's prominent Tsinghua University, pack up my entire life and move across the globe, I will make full use of my time here.

As it's nearing the end of May, my application for summer research and class registration for the Fall term has been submitted.

My focus of study is mechanical engineering with a minor in aerospace to fulfill a certain someone's dream on his behalf. Becoming an aerospace engineer to honor his astronaut dream is the only way I know how to repay him for everything he's done for me without risking his life.

I try to avoid saying or even thinking of his name, aside from specific occasions where I allow myself to feel and fall apart in private. Otherwise, it's too painful and usually triggers an anxiety attack that is sometimes difficult to control in the moment.