Not Just A Love Story

Chapter 39

Lauren

To say time flew like an arrow these past few days will be an understatement.

It's been a week since Ethan and I ate in the restaurant.

I still remember the way it was the longest conversation we had in the past few days and it was also the first time we had eaten out since our argument.

I can't believe it's been almost three weeks since I talked to Ethan properly. Since I joked with him, I laughed with him, I annoyed him.

I missed doing these things with him. I missed how he listens intently to my every word as if I'm giving him clues in a treasure hunt.

The way his dimples show up whenever I do something clumsy and try masking it up.

To be honest, I missed him. 

I missed him crazily.

I know I dragged our fight a bit more than needed. but I had my own set of doubts which needed some clarity before moving further in this journey.

Ethan is a good man but that didn't stop him from calling me names whenever I made him upset or angry. The way he threw me out in the balcony in the cold on our wedding night just because he hated me still ran in small part of my brain.

Although we got along well later on, he still made me feel like shit sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough to be his wife or how little my opinions matters. He made me feel like an outsider sometimes on purpose and sometimes unknowingly.

We had our fair share of arguments and good memories. But blame my insecure heart because fights and reasons for fights weighed more than good memories. My insecurity that I'll never be enough no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try I always disappoint them. I'll only let them down and embarrass them.

My mom made sure to plant the seed in my mind thoroughly that I can never be the perfect daughter for her. She always compared me to her friend's children who were perfect in everything and I wasn't perfect like them. Not then and not now.

And I know deep down that its just an insecurity that I need to heal from, but it was still hard because I had to try harder than usual to think that I am enough.

I just need to rebuild myself stronger and thicker and not let other's words crumble my walls down.

But whenever Ethan casually threw my insecurities at my face even thought he didn't know still made me feel like a ten year old who waited patiently just so her mother can recognize her efforts and praise her. 

But the ten year old me was always disappointed because my mother never appreciated me. Never allowed me to think that I am enough.

I am trying to rebuild my personality and Ethan crumbles my walls by making me feel like I'm not enough and calling me names. I rebuild my walls all the time and he breaks it down whenever he's angry. 

And I was afraid this will continue and become a circle of rebuilding and breaking. Of healing and hurting. It made me halt in my step and take a decision for my own sanity. For my own healing.

If someone had said that Ethan would set his pride aside and do anything for me in the beginning of our marriage, I would have looked at them as if they are crazy.

But Ethan is different.

He never cease to amaze me.

Just when I thought that I know him well enough, he surprises me by his actions.

He has already apologized to me and I know that its finally time I need to acknowledge his efforts.

Ethan did everything for my forgiveness, I would never expect him to do.