MISDIAGNOSED: Book One

Chapter Thirteen - Pray

Jump ahead a month or two. It is now the middle of October and we have not had the capsule endoscopy yet. Surprised that there was yet another setback? Are we ever, at this point? After calling back and forth with the gastroenterologist that my physician recommended based on him being my last gastroenterologist that I saw for my last procedure, this was already to be expected. We spent at least two weeks trying to call that specialist in order to ensure that they had emailed the proof that our medical aid required. Without proof (documents) of the previous procedures, their results and why we would need to do the latest procedure, we would have to pay the R14000 ourselves. This specialist, however, did not care to send it at all. We knew this by the medical aid calling us several times, asking if we were to send the medical proof or if we were to pay it ourselves. Then the back and forth of communicating with the specialist and the physician was tiring within itself to say the least. This had me panicking for a month already once we received the news of the potential link to a proper diagnosis. Whilst waiting for the news, I had been overworking myself with writing down lecture notes that I receive every week during the semester. I decided to do a weeks worth of notes in one day. Almost ten hours to say the least. I am no stranger to overworking myself when it comes to getting my work done but this was overboard. It got to a point where I first rested my hand on ice every two hours, to me resting it on ice every three minutes. I still continued writing as I hate being behind on my work or leaving a project unfinished. Organisation is the key to my peace, if you will. So, I rested my hand until my in-class test the next day in essay format. Then after that, the Sunday I was cleaning the bathroom as we are currently DIYing renovations. So, that included sweeping, wiping, washing, shovelling sand, etc. This all agitated my hand more until I had another in-class test in essay format two days later. The day after the test, I could feel that my hand had been utilised to capacity. The poor girl needed to take a break. Reasons that also caused the pain to grow involved the fact that I thrive on organisation. Being able to cook food in preparation for dinner, to clean the dishes thereafter, to play games when I need to take a break, to write notes so I can stay up to date with my work, make notes on my board, exercise, move my furniture around in my bedroom if I am bored of the way it has looked for the last few months, etc. Knowing that I am able to depend on myself and do what is needed when it is needed, that brings a sense of peace to my mind. So you can imagine what went through my mind once the doctor checked my hand and diagnosed me with tenosynovitis. Which meant that the aching pain in my fingers, my hand, my arm, and my wrist were all due to overuse and over-straining the hand. It is linked to the wrist because that is where all movement works or it is connecting the joints, etc for movement. Therefore, she mentions that she wants to put a brace on it to restrict movement. There were no braces available at the time so she wrapped my wrist and arm, and made sure that I was closed like a cast in order to restrict movement of the wrist which would cause the pain to increase faster. The first thing I mentioned as she was wrapping my arm was But I have notes to catch up on. I normally cook dinner so now I must not? What about the dishes and, she was quick to tell me that I was being a control freak and that I needed to let go. Like Frozen, let it go. It made me laugh but I knew that she was trying to bring some light into a dark moment. However, it made me realise that I thrive on controlled chaos as long as everything was done in an organised manner to reduce any bad things from occurring. You can imagine the shock when I realised the depth of this anxiousness. I always knew that I have anxiety and used to struggle with depression throughout the journey of this misdiagnosis. The fact that I needed things to be organised in an attempt to feel safe, made me realise how desperately I needed things to be calm in my life when there was so much chaos before. Family issues, health complications, relationship problems, friendship catastrophes, etc. All of the trauma that I had faced in my life caused a rippling effect of panic. Keep in mind, I am not somebody who controls people. That type of human needs more therapy than I do. I just prefer to organise things within my control barriers in order to keep a peaceful environment. When you have anxiety and post-traumatic stress, these things can take each other on in a one-on-one fist fight and that never ends well. I have learned ways to cope with it nonetheless. After ending a three-year relationship a few months ago, it became my main mission to heal on the inside and out. Making sure to learn about my body and my health in ways that I was too stressed to do before. Taking note of what trigger foods harmed my body, ways to calm my anxiety attacks, how to approach problems looking for solutions instead of drowning inside the problem, taking time to spend with family, and building friendships that are genuine. All we can do is pray and my faith has truly grown within this five-year process. Finding comfort in my faith has helped develop more feelings of peace and hope for finding the main cause for the pain I have gone through since I was fifteen years old. There were times where the spasms occurred. They have been few and far between compared to what it was like months ago but they were dreadful nonetheless. I just remember praying whilst in tears. Begging God to stop the pain. It took me a long time to be patient and navigate what the pain was trying to tell me. Im cold, Im hungry, Im uncomfortable, or Im too stressed. Navigating what they actually meant has taken some time but it has taught me patience. To be kind to myself because at the end of the day, we are only human. We struggle sometimes but that makes us stronger. Therefore, this waiting period will hopefully bring good news once the procedure has an official date set.