Recovery 🧡

13•unwanted feelings•

I sat there watching as victoria eyes glistened at the sight of Lewis.
the way he looked at her.
it was so obvious to everyone yet whenever they were in the presence of one another the world was completely gone for each of them.

I wanted that.
The feeling where nothing else mattered.

I couldn't stay anywhere amongst people so I stood up (slowly) trying to keep my balance and i head off to Landos drivers room, making sure no one noticed I was gone.

Qualifying is starting in 5mins,everyone was already in their cars and then I suddenly realised that will be me next season.
In the car, in a team, racing.
Luckily, there was a tv in the room. I flipped the sky sports channel on and started getting changed. I found one of Landos McLaren shirts and slipped it on top of my damp bra. then i proceeded to hop into a pair of shorts i had in my bag,laying on the grey sofa afterwards. Some people may say I'm ungrateful that I am at a race yet watching it on a screen.

but that's literally what happens.

The program finally turns on and the intro is still playing, as i stand up and start to clean his room to get my mind away.
Charles comes up on the screen and I can't help but stand there admiring every little thing about him.
The way his eyes shone in the light, the way his hair looked, the way he stood; everything about him going through my mind as if I was reading words off paper.

"The red bulls are out of the pits first".

my body has never sat down so fast in my life before. Focused ,I lie back resting against the massive grey cushion behind me, watching as max Verstappen heads down to turn 1. his speed always impressive. The fast car looked good on him.

now most of the cars are out, going around this large track. All competing for positions.

"Charles Leclerc with the fastest lap" a smile spreads across my face as i see his name go to the top of the screen.

And that was it Q1 was over, with Charles on top.

knocked out of Q1:

....

p16 Bottas

p17 Mag

p18 Stroll

p19 zhou

p20 Sargent

....

I got up from the couch that was slowly swallowing me whole and I started picking things off the floor. qualifying was still streaming in the background as Q2 started. i packed my bag and anything that i had laying next to me and put it too one side. the couch was still wet in the corner where i previously had dumped a bucket of water on the one and only Lando Norris.

i guess he didn't have time to clean it.

i throw a bunch of towels onto the damp area while i move into the bathroom, i open the window letting the small room breathe.

I don't know what's been going on with me. I'm not really sure who me is anymore.im always having these mental break downs late at night or whenever I'm alone. I try not to be alone. i try to fill myself with as much as i can before i have to deal with myself, my thoughts, everything to do with myself i hate.

Cleaning and walking is something I have inhabited in my daily routine or whenever I don't want to think or when I'm about to have an episode I start drastically cleaning or I go outside with music blasting into my ears.

I've never really talked about my problems to anyone apart from one person.
Charles Leclerc.

Speaking of the Ferrari driver, he has gone down to p3in Q2,which was slowly coming to an end as I realised the fifteen minutes have gone like a shooting star in the night sky.