Merry Go Round

2 ~ Up and Running

Up and Running

*Zach*

Life can sometimes be a wonderful, and horrible thing. Sometimes, you're filled with such complete and utter joy that you cannot imagine anything sad, and others you couldn't imagine anything ever getting better.

In the past few months I had been with Madelynn, she was showing me the brighter side of life, and I don't even believe she was trying to. We talked, we laughed, we joked, and we just clicked.

When I first met Madelynn, she was- in all sense of the word- an introverted, apathetic human. She didn't smile, she didn't laugh, and she didn't care if what she said hurt you or made you laugh. In truth, she was a very frightening person, even with her completely un-frightening appearance. There was just something about the way her blue eyes were emotionless, and she always had this impassive look on her face. She dressed in a comforting way, with leggings in dresses or skirts, it was a signature I came to find comforting. She also never seemed to be able to manage her unruly brown and blonde curls, but she became so much more put-together when she smiled.

I remember when I first saw her eyes light up, I could do nothing but grin, and when we drove around in my car she insisted on the windows being down. Her hair would get even more ruined, sometimes flying over to me because of its length, but I never minded.

Seeing that smile was worth it.

I was simply stunned, though, when she started telling me about herself. I could tell she was a reserved person, and since she mostly shifted the topic to me, I was pleasantly surprised when she began talking about herself. I wanted to believe that her merry go 'round was up and running, but I knew neither of us was quite there yet. I also wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, I had a part in her smiles. I wanted to be the reason she smiled and laughed, because out of everyone I've ever known, I've never wanted to be by someone's side as much as I wanted to be by hers.

She's causing me trouble though, with the way my heart beats faster when she smiles at me, and how when she laughs, all I want to do is keep that sound with me forever.

I swore I wouldn't, I swore that I couldn't let myself get hurt again, not after all of the people that had let me down, not after all of the hopes that were crushed and promises that were broken.

I swore I wouldn't love.

I don't think I'm doing the whole cold-turkey no-love thing right though.

"Zach," Madelynn handed me an iced hazelnut coffee, something she had long since learned was my favorite. We were in our usual meeting place, a quaint little café right across from my merry go 'round sculpture, which blended in well with the park it sat in. "Zach, I did it."

I frowned, taking a sip of my drink before asking, "Did what?"

I could see the hints of excitement in her eyes, and in the way she fidgeted with her hot chocolate, something she had been getting ever since winter rolled around.

"I'm writing again," she had a small, but highly excitable, smile on her face. "And it doesn't feel like I have to write, I'm actually enjoying it."

I wanted to jump up and twirl her around, because I knew just how big of a deal this was. I didn't though, because I knew that Madelynn would be mad at me for embarrassing her, so I settled for joking with her.

"You'll let me read it, right?"

"Of course," her small smile grew into a kind, and if I may say, slightly adoring smile.

That was something I couldn't get over, the thing that made me want to kiss her and smile and just laugh out loud. It was the thing that made me want to love her, that fond smile she got on her face sometimes, and I never even realized I was causing it until it just appeared on her face, giving me a slight heart-attack. She told me that she didn't really trust people, because the people she had trusted most had always let her down, they always ended up hurting her.

There was something about us that was so similar, and then because of the way we take in pain, it also makes us so different. I wanted to show her all of my secrets and show her she could trust me. I wanted her to know that it's okay, that I'm not going to hurt her.

And then a place came in mind, a happy place that cleared my sad thoughts. It was a place that always made me feel better, and I wondered how it would feel to have two of the things that made me most happy together. I wondered if it would have the same effect on her, and so I took the risk of rejection.

I took the risk of pain.

"Hey, Madelynn?" she looked up from her hot chocolate, making a noise of acknowledgment for me to talk. "Would you want to go somewhere with me? I know a place, and I think you'd love it."

I would, of course, be disappointed if she refused because, suddenly, I didn't care if I was imperfect. Hundreds of thousands of people- no- everyone has their own cross to bear. Some people didn't have enough money, others had too much with no one to spend it on. Some people have trauma, some people are too kind, and others are like Madelynn and I.

Some people are too good at hiding the pain.

"I'll go," she shrugged. "It could be fun."

I grinned, nodding my head as we stood up. We took our time walking outside to my car, something Madelynn said that she never had a use for so she never bought one. It was silent between us, and while we weren't really talking, the silence wasn't filled with nothing. It was filled with untold truths and a conversation that we could never speak aloud, because it's an unconscious conversation, a conversation that only we can have.

There was a chill in the air when we stepped outside, and Madelynn wrapped her scarf snugly around her neck and the bottom half of her face. Her cheeks already had a rosy tint, making her blue eyes look even larger than they already were. Her feet were keeping close together, and I knew she was trying to produce heat from her fur boots, but I also knew that her jacket, puffy sweater dress, and leggings weren't keeping her warm, so I quickly opened her door and let her in before getting in on my side and starting up the car.

I blasted the heat before setting off towards a place dear to my heart. It was a place my mother used to take me when she had her good days, when she wasn't ill.

No words were necessary, and no words were needed to break the silence. I recalled our first encounter, and I tried to also recall the moment when she became so comfortable around me. Our first meeting now seems ridiculous, because I never pegged Madelynn as the shy type, what with how she had that apathetic nature towards others. We had been at the café, and she had been fidgeting, but after the waitress took our order, she started chewing on her lip and her fidgeting became more prominent. Now, driving down the road, she has her head rested against the cool glass as she watches the world fly by, a small smile on her face and her hand clasped in mine.

There were three words that began to escape my lips, and I tried not to say them, for fear of scaring her away. I knew that when I loved, I went all in, and it was scary. It was a scary thing, having someone else hold your life in their hands, giving someone else the ability to do with you as they please.

To love you.

To hate you.

To hurt you.

Yet I couldn't help beginning to fall.

"Madelynn, I'm falling in love with you," I told her, not letting myself look at her. I didn't want to look, in fear of the rejection I might see on her face. She didn't answer though, so I pushed past the fear and glanced at her. Her head was rested against the cool glass, her eyelashes rested gently on her cheeks, and her breathing was steady.

I took a deep breath and sighed. She was asleep. I looked forward, wondering what would've happened had she been awake. Would she have freaked out? Rejected me? Would she have said the same? She was an open book, yet sometimes I just couldn't read her. It's like her emotions are laid on a page in words, but the words are in some other language, and it's killing me. She could mean one thing by a comment, and I'll take it completely wrong. I don't want to go wrong this time, I can't go wrong this time.

I'm trusting Madelynn to see that.

Thanks so much for reading this! Don't be afraid to leave a comment and tell me what you think! I don't bite!!