d. fyodor x reader x o.dazai | You had been destined to die from the beginning. Through you does she slip, like sunlight through a sieve, settling onto the ruins of future human relationships, thereby destroying any chance of existence. Dead before...
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"POINT OF NO RETURN."
The walk to your old house is done in conversations about suicide. Suicide seemed to be a prevalent topic in your life: not only was your acquaintence obsessed with the idea of a perfect suicide, but your life had spun out of control like a spool of thread the moment your mother kicked the stool underneath her.
"Why do you want to die so bad?" You ask, your hands in your pockets as the early spring wind caresses your cheeks. Slim breezes sift through your hair like an air-light comb, mussing up your hair. Dazai hums.
"What a loaded question," He begins. "Tell me about your mother first."
"Why does everyone want to know about mom so bad?" You ask. "She was a woman who happened to be my mom and committed suicide."
"Your mother is a topic of many forums on the internet, despite the rising cases of suicide. It's most likely due to your debut as a domestic terrorist that raised her to infamy," Dazai says. "They're obsessed with her; how could she have given birth to someone with the ability to end a life with a single touch?"
"Mom said that the ability was hereditary," You say. "That she ended her life to stop it from leaking to me. But she failed. But then there's more to her reasons that I can't help but think she's hiding from me. I'm doing this for the picture puzzle. Putting it all together. Solving the world. One conversation and puzzle piece at a time."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. That's why I'm going back home to find out. See if there are any notebooks or postcards or photos that might give me a clue," You say. "Now answer my question."
"Fair enough," Dazai says. He turns back to the front. "I am not content with being happy. My destiny has always been the opposite."
"To be unhappy in fact?"
"Yes. It is a profound unhappiness that leads to nothing. That's why I must kill myself; suicide is the only way out of this oxidising dream that is called life: it's like I'm sleepwalking half of the time, with the other half living in the moment in battle. And even then do I lack the will to survive or live at the face of death."
"But you're still alive," You say. "Keep on living, Dazai. The more life awakens you, the more it brings you back to yourself. Sure, the sufferings and the despair and dread may continue to overtake you, and your faith finds no more air to breathe—and suffocation is a hard death, but keep on living."
"I could disappear from this Earth and the world would go on moving without the slightest twinge," He says. "Things are tremendously complicated, but to be sure, one thing is clear: No one needs me. I must awaken from this dream."
